I can't believe its been THREE whole years since the last time Dylan deployed. I am grateful to have those years of growth yet somehow today, it's not making any of this easier. It doesn't matter how much advanced notice you have of an upcoming deployment, it's always when you find out the actual date and time that they leave that makes it all suddenly real.
Even if I have spent all morning breaking down & writing letters (one from me, one from our daughter), deep in my heart I know that all is going to be okay. I keep telling myself, you've been here before. It was three years ago but it doesn't feel like all that long ago I was preparing for the first deployment.
I will say that having been through at least one deployment makes the next a tiny bit easier. I didn't say easy, I said easier. At least in a small way I know what to expect. Most importantly, I know that I can do this. I know that once he leaves, a part of me takes over and I can do all of the things that he usually does, I can and will wake up every day and not feel crushingly alone.
I think other military spouses would agree that the build up to their leaving is the worst. It's the anticipation of how sad you'll feel & you mourn the loss of experiences that haven't even actually happened. I know for me personally, I find myself getting sad and sentimental about everything. This is our last grocery trip together. Like, I can literally make anything into a "moment" and its torturous (especially when adding in pregnancy hormones!).
I've read about it, and I've said it myself..it's a relief when they leave. I remember when I heard that before his first deployment, and I thought, how could you say that? Wouldn't you want one more day together if you could?
And the answer is really, no.
Once they leave, you really take on a different way of life. It's not better, it's not worse (maybe a little lonely at times, but not worse). It's just different. You could describe it as putting a wall up, or maybe it's just adjusting to what you can't change. I just remember that it was instant. I remember expecting this long adjustment period, where every day gets a little less sad but really, it just happened. Maybe there is such thing as "deployment mode", when the dread and anxiety of them leaving is replaced by taking care of yourself and looking forward to hearing from them and eventually, their homecoming. After all, every day is one day closer! So cliche, but very true.
I am grateful to have experienced a previous deployment because it has allowed me to appreciate the little things this time around. I remember having so much regret last time because I never realized how much Dylan really did for me and how much I took for granted until after he was gone. I couldn't wait for him to get back so that I could put into play this "new found" appreciation I had for him. Of course over the years it's easy to fall back into the ho-hum of every day life; complaining that he didn't put his dirty clothes in the hamper, arguing because he didn't cut the celery the right way (yes, that really happened), etc. However, I know that I will miss seeing his laundry, I'll miss his help in the kitchen. I know to soak in every last second we have watching Breaking Bad on the couch together, because it's really the little things you miss the most.
This morning as I was writing his letters, I had to remind myself that this isn't just about me, and how sad I am, and how things will change for me. I have to think about Dylan too. He's the one actually leaving and it's not like he's going on a business trip to New York. He's leaving his every day life as well, including missing out on experiences of this second half of my pregnancy. We are very hopeful that he gets to come home to be here for the birth, however nothing is promised. Like I told him in his letters, whether he meets our little girl in her first seconds of life or whether its in her first months, she will love him all the same and SO much. She is very lucky to have him as her Daddy!
As for what's next for me, I feel like for me to be happy I will need to establish a new routine. I'll be moving back to Atlanta where I will need to create a "life" for myself. It was easy for me to think moving back would be, well, easy. My friends are there, family is there, etc. It's easy to imagine always having someone to see, somewhere to go. However, it becomes quickly apparent when Dylan and I visit that we don't live there anymore. Our friends and family do, they have jobs and lives that don't change just because we are visiting, or because I move back. Sure, my friends are available most nights after 5:00pm and on weekends but that leaves my entire day Monday-Friday where I'm left to my own devices.
My plan for now is to hopefully find a prenatal yoga class at least 2x/week that will at least give my day a little structure and purpose. I know that it will all come together naturally, I'll fall into the swing of my normal day-to-day life of {hopefully} Skyping with Dylan, going for walks, grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, and preparing for our baby girl. I'm grateful to have her as my tiny sidekick and if all else fails, we can always go shopping for her wardrobe!
So, the next few days will be busy and a blur. We have a lot to do while Dylan is still here and loose ends to tie up at the house for while we are both gone. One big positive is that we have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday so he will get one more glimpse of our sweet baby before he leaves! I am so grateful for that as I'm sure he is as well. I'm praying we see a healthy baby girl growing in there and that blood work comes back clear.
Fingers crossed for these next few days...
xoxo
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