18 week ultrasound & update

Whew, what a past few days it's been. I think I'm exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally from all of the transition but things are starting to settle down a bit. I've tried to stay low stress as I haven't wanted to pass any onto our baby girl.

Where to begin.Well, for starters Dylan is gone. I think the pregnancy is making me more emotional than I thought I would be about his leaving, topped by picking up and leaving our house to come to Georgia. I am so so grateful that I'm in a position that I can be near friends and family, but it's still hard to leave our home. I felt like this process was broken up into two chapters or stages; first was his leaving, and second was mine. Both were obviously emotional and as each stage occurred, the finality that he's really gone sank in more and more.

I know that God has a plan for us during this deployment so I'm trying not to worry or stress over the future (ie. If Dylan will be back for the birth, etc...). I've been trying to find the positives anywhere I can. The other night I was laying in bed feeling Layla kick around like crazy and was reminded of how blessed we are! Dylan had set up an email account for her so that we can record our thoughts and prayers for her during this time, and as I'm tearfully writing a "letter" to our baby girl about how great her Daddy is, I start to get texts from Dylan that all is well. Technology, gotta love it!

So, all in all, I know we will be okay. The transition is a little rocky, I still have my knife-to-the-chest moments, but it will continue to smooth out. It's all about staying positive and finding my "new normal" while he is gone.

Now for Layla Blaine's update:

First things first, she is definitely a GIRL!
Whew, no returns have to be made after all...

Most importantly, she is healthy! We had her growth & anatomy ultrasound which I was so happy Dylan was able to be at. The ultrasound was fairly long, I'd say 15-20 minutes and it was so fun getting to watch her while the tech found all her little body parts and organs. She even had hiccups at one point which was so cute. She has all 10 fingers, 10 toes (well, we say that..she definitely has both big toes..the rest are still webbed at this point but we could count all 10 little bumps). Getting the pictures of her hands was a battle. She still keeps one arm up by her head just like she did at the 15 week ultrasound. We got a clear image of one of her hands but she was being a pill about letting us see the other hand. I think she was tired of being pushed on and messed with. Eventually she gave up and practically high fived a clear shot of her open palm, pretty much saying HERE! HAPPY?

I don't know if I ever stopped smiling the entire ultrasound. I loved getting to watch her wiggle and flip around, and I just laughed imagining her getting so ticked that we were interrupting her in there. It was amazing to see her heart (all 4 chambers, thank God) and so many tiny details of our sweet baby. It still amazes me that my body is capable of creating a healthy little being.

I know people always say, "babies are such miracles" but until you're growing one inside of you, you don't really understand what they mean by that. There is so much that could go wrong, big or small, and it's just amazing to hear that so far our little girl is doing great. My blood work for neural defects came back clear so that was another huge relief. I'm truly grateful. I don't take a single day for granted, or fail to appreciate that we have been able to enjoy this pregnancy without major complications. So I'll say it again, I know God has a plan for us and for our baby.

With that said, I'm trying to wake up every day with positive thoughts. Everyone is dealing with their own struggle, mine just happens to be this deployment. I'm sure if everyone threw their problems into a basket, I'd grab mine back first. At least I know there is an end to every deployment, blue skies ahead, however you want to look at it.

Looking forward to all that lies ahead...

xoxo

Deployment #2 is officially underway...

Busy packing & trying to to wrap up loose ends here in North Carolina! Atlanta bound tomorrow. Once I am settled I can update on our sweet Layla Blaine.

Next up: Deployment.

I can't believe its been THREE whole years since the last time Dylan deployed. I am grateful to have those years of growth yet somehow today, it's not making any of this easier. It doesn't matter how much advanced notice you have of an upcoming deployment, it's always when you find out the actual date and time that they leave that makes it all suddenly real.

Even if I have spent all morning breaking down & writing letters (one from me, one from our daughter), deep in my heart I know that all is going to be okay. I keep telling myself, you've been here before. It was three years ago but it doesn't feel like all that long ago I was preparing for the first deployment.

I will say that having been through at least one deployment makes the next a tiny bit easier. I didn't say easy, I said easier. At least in a small way I know what to expect. Most importantly, I know that I can do this. I know that once he leaves, a part of me takes over and I can do all of the things that he usually does, I can and will wake up every day and not feel crushingly alone.

I think other military spouses would agree that the build up to their leaving is the worst. It's the anticipation of how sad you'll feel & you mourn the loss of experiences that haven't even actually happened. I know for me personally, I find myself getting sad and sentimental about everything. This is our last grocery trip together. Like, I can literally make anything into a "moment" and its torturous (especially when adding in pregnancy hormones!).

 I've read about it, and I've said it myself..it's a relief when they leave. I remember when I heard that before his first deployment, and I thought, how could you say that? Wouldn't you want one more day together if you could? 

And the answer is really, no.

Once they leave, you really take on a different way of life. It's not better, it's not worse (maybe a little lonely at times, but not worse). It's just different. You could describe it as putting a wall up, or maybe it's just adjusting to what you can't change. I just remember that it was instant. I remember expecting this long adjustment period, where every day gets a little less sad but really, it just happened. Maybe there is such thing as "deployment mode", when the dread and anxiety of them leaving is replaced by taking care of yourself and looking forward to hearing from them and eventually, their homecoming. After all, every day is one day closer! So cliche, but very true.

I am grateful to have experienced a previous deployment because it has allowed me to appreciate the little things this time around. I remember having so much regret last time because I never realized how much Dylan really did for me and how much I took for granted until after he was gone. I couldn't wait for him to get back so that I could put into play this "new found" appreciation I had for him. Of course over the years it's easy to fall back into the ho-hum of every day life; complaining that he didn't put his dirty clothes in the hamper, arguing because he didn't cut the celery the right way (yes, that really happened), etc. However, I know that I will miss seeing his laundry, I'll miss his help in the kitchen. I know to soak in every last second we have watching Breaking Bad on the couch together, because it's really the little things you miss the most.

This morning as I was writing his letters, I had to remind myself that this isn't just about me, and how sad I am, and how things will change for me. I have to think about Dylan too. He's the one actually leaving and it's not like he's going on a business trip to New York. He's leaving his every day life as well, including missing out on experiences of this second half of my pregnancy. We are very hopeful that he gets to come home to be here for the birth, however nothing is promised. Like I told him in his letters, whether he meets our little girl in her first seconds of life or whether its in her first months, she will love him all the same and SO much. She is very lucky to have him as her Daddy!

As for what's next for me, I feel like for me to be happy I will need to establish a new routine. I'll be moving back to Atlanta where I will need to create a "life" for myself. It was easy for me to think moving back would be, well, easy. My friends are there, family is there, etc. It's easy to imagine always having someone to see, somewhere to go. However, it becomes quickly apparent when Dylan and I visit that we don't live there anymore. Our friends and family do, they have jobs and lives that don't change just because we are visiting, or because I move back. Sure, my friends are available most nights after 5:00pm and on weekends but that leaves my entire day Monday-Friday where I'm left to my own devices.

My plan for now is to hopefully find a prenatal yoga class at least 2x/week that will at least give my day a little structure and purpose. I know that it will all come together naturally, I'll fall into the swing of my normal day-to-day life of {hopefully} Skyping with Dylan, going for walks, grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, and preparing for our baby girl. I'm grateful to have her as my tiny sidekick and if all else fails, we can always go shopping for her wardrobe!

So, the next few days will be busy and a blur. We have a lot to do while Dylan is still here and loose ends to tie up at the house for while we are both gone. One big positive is that we have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday so he will get one more glimpse of our sweet baby before he leaves! I am so grateful for that as I'm sure he is as well. I'm praying we see a healthy baby girl growing in there and that blood work comes back clear.

Fingers crossed for these next few days...
xoxo

Baby G's Big Reveal!

So, I was very much MIA while on our trip to Atlanta! I tried to update from our iPad but pictures were a pain to try and upload, blah blah, excuses excuses! After a busy 2 weeks, we are back in North Carolina & I am reunited with my MacBook.

We started our trip with our much anticipated 3D ultrasound! And, drum roll please...

WE ARE HAVING A GIRL!

But you were so convinced it was a boy! I know. So much for having a spot on intuition, huh?

The tech was little tricky with her wording when she told us she was a girl so it took a few seconds for my brain to catch up. Once it did, I started bawling! It was like I had never even thought she was a boy & all I ever wanted to have was a girl. My heart was definitely 100% completely full. I can honestly say I don't think I even looked at anyone else in the room because my eyes were locked on the screen. I don't even think I looked at Dylan right away. It's a surreal moment that ultimately changes how you imagine the rest of your life.

And because I'm such a typical mom-to-be, I'll go ahead and post some more pictures of her...

The tech gave us 20 or so pictures of her, some of them are more scary than cute. I can say that because she's mine. Of course I love every single terrifying angle because I'm obsessed with her, but I know that only our family and ourselves really find them remotely normal looking.

I honestly preferred watching her on the screen in 2D over the 3D. I felt like her body was more distinguishable & we could see her moving around more clearly. At 15 weeks, her features weren't developed enough to really see much in 3D and the imaging is more distorted. Our main reason for the visit was to determine the sex so I still say it was all worth it! I loved getting to find out with our moms & my best friend there.

She kept her little arm up by her head almost the whole time & apparently was very proud to show us she was a girl. The tech kept coming back to find her in the same position of showing her little bum. At least she was cooperating, right? I wish they had given us the picture, but at one point she had her legs stretched all the way out. I was 15 weeks 4 days at the ultrasound, and she was measuring 16 weeks because she has long legs. I loved seeing her kicking around, Sarah said she was in there doing Pilates just like her Momma!

Speaking of kicks, I've started feeling her more and more over the past few days. Wednesday night was the first time I felt 2 little kicks about 20 seconds apart from each other. It was super late, like 1:30 in the morning when we were driving home from visiting family. I wondered if she usually moves around at that time when I'm sleeping and don't feel it. I didn't feel any distinct movements again until this morning. Dylan and I were still laying in bed and I felt 4 or 5 kicks! I had him try to feel and eventually she kicked hard enough that he felt it & I could feel it happen at the same time.

I was so thankful for that moment. Dylan leaves for deployment by the end of the month and I had prayed that he would get to feel her at least once before he left. Hopefully he gets to feel her a few more times!

I feel like she's stretching out in there. I get really sharp round ligament pain whenever I sneeze & it seems like my bump has grown overnight! We have our growth and anatomy ultrasound at my doctor appointment on Wednesday. I'm excited to get another glimpse of her & see how she's grown!

Fingers crossed we get confirmation that she is, in fact, a girl! We did a lot of shopping while we were in Atlanta & I know a few people have ordered some monogramed gifts for her. I think I've read too many stories on other women's blogs about getting a "surprise" at their next ultrasound. Of course we would shift gears and happily plan for a boy but I think it would throw me for a loop at first. There would be a lot of clothing returns & registry edits to be made! The woman who did our ultrasound said she had done 35 gender scans in the past 2 days so, like Dylan says, she knows what to look for.
Life can be funny, so we will see!

Here I am a few days ago, actually, the same night I felt those first kicks!

17 weeks with our sweet Layla Blaine

Until next time...

Happy September & 15 weeks

Happy September!

The long Labor Day weekend flew by! Hope you had a great one! We laid pretty low. Dylan's stepdad came to town which is always fun. We had a small get together Saturday night to watch the UGA vs. Clemson game..sadly, Georgia lost. I'm sure Baby G got an ear full of Dylan's voice throughout the night! Girl or boy, I see many trips to Athens with Daddy in our baby's future.

Speaking of girl or boy...only 3 more days until we can find out! Feels like an eternity! 

A friend of mine is about 1 week ahead of me in her pregnancy and they just had their 3D scan. They are having a GIRL! They were stationed here with us before and now live in California. We are so happy for them!

I am so anxious to find out the gender but I'm also looking forward to seeing what's "going on" in there! Our only ultrasound was at 8 weeks, so the last time I saw Baby they looked like a gummy bear. I can't wait to see their little body, face, and arms and legs going crazy!

This morning I was laying in bed before getting up. I feel like my uterus has definitely popped up higher than it was before & I could tell which side the baby was on. My opinion is that I'm carrying really low...BOY?! 

I'm also really anxious to be in Atlanta! We leave tomorrow, woo hoo! Leaving our big boy Marchello with our neighbors while we are gone. I'm having doggy mom guilt already! I feel like he already "knows" we are leaving and has been sad and pouty the past few days. I have so much to do today to get ready, looking forward to my little 6oz cup of coffee in a few! 


15 Week Survey:

How Far Along: 15 weeks

How I'm Feeling: Baby must be growing because I've been a little more tired this week. I've noticed a lot of round ligament pain (especially when I sneeze!) but that's okay! Grow away, baby!

Weight Gain/Loss: I've been trying to up calories. I feel like I have put on a few pounds so looking forward to weighing once we get to Atlanta.

Cravings: Still no real cravings as of yet! My appetite has increased but I'm having flashbacks of 1st trimester because nothing sounds too appealing. My main snacks are cucumbers with red wine vinegar & cereal. 

Gender: I will be (happily) surprised if Baby is a girl, I'm really thinking BOY! We will know soon enough!

What I Miss: I always love the Octoberfest beers this time of year, but oh well! There's always next year!

What I'm Looking Forward To: Saturday! {Our 3D scan}. I also can't wait to finish our registry!

Weekly Wisdom: Hmm..not sure I have any this week. I guess my "wisdom" is to trust in yourself and your body. In the beginning of this pregnancy I was so overly cautious and paranoid about EVERYTHING I did. I feel like at this point, I'm a little more confident. I still follow the general guidelines but I have loosened up a little bit because I'm learning to trust my intuition. Stressing isn't good for you or the baby...woosah.