Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
-Hebrews 11:1
I feel like I have been busy and not busy all at the same time lately. Life has settled into it's "new normal" and for that I am grateful. Some days my normal is running around nonstop while other days are spent laying on the couch feeling & watching our little girl practice her karate kicks and punches in my tummy. I have to admit, sometimes those days at home are my favorite.
My hormones are causing my emotions to be all over the map. I burst into tears yesterday reading a strangers birth story on her blog. I like to read out loud whenever I can so that Layla can hear my voice and literally, I felt like the biggest idiot for having to stop every other line to hold back tears. I think the kicker was seeing all of the photos of her husband with their new baby after the birth. Dylan and I have talked and both pray that he is able to be here for Layla's birthday but we both know that it's out of our hands.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I know that God has a plan for us & that our path is already determined. Of course I want Dylan here for support and to share in such a special time in both of our lives, but I really want him to have that moment for himself. I want us to both remember what it feels like to meet our daughter for the first time, I don't want him to have to imagine what it must have felt like.
However it ends up, all will be fine.
I'm just living on faith. Sometimes I still feel like I need to pinch myself. I am so blessed to be pregnant and then to take into consideration how easy my pregnancy has been so far is overwhelming to me. I always imagined this time in my life but can't believe I'm actually living it right now. I am trying to soak in every new experience and step along the way.
Today I had my first appointment with my new OBGYN practice. I was referred by a family friend and was excited that they have a lot of midwives on staff in addition to their OBs. I felt a little nervous before hand as I knew it was a bigger practice than my previous doctor's office and I had made the mistake of reading some negative reviews online. (Side note: I think reviews are helpful but I think most of the time the only people who take the time to write a review are people who are a bit scorned.)
One review said the particular midwife I was seeing today had broken her water without her knowledge or consent (Granted, she had been in labor for a long time). Great. I pictured a pushy, know-it-all midwife and felt really apprehensive as I went to the appointment.
At my appointment, I could not have imagined a nicer midwife! She was seriously a dream come true. She is pregnant with twins and our due dates are two days apart so unfortunately I know she will not be the one on call when it comes to my delivery, but I was pleasantly surprised at how relaxed she made me feel. Like, maybe if we weren't both pregnant we could go grab a glass of wine together. The practice encourages that I meet all of the midwives by having appointments with all of them, as it just depends who is on call when I go into labor. I'm hoping I like the other's as much as I liked Christine from today.
I have gained approximately 3 pounds since my 18 week appoint which I am happy about. My total weight gain is around 4 pounds, which Christine did not seem worried about. She did say to just try and eat more..even if I am not hungry. Gaining weight seems like an easy problem to solve, but it's tricky when you want to continue to eat healthy and not just high calorie junk. I want to gain healthy weight that will support baby and myself, and gaining unhealthy weight will only make for a harder delivery and raise my risk for gestational diabetes. A part of me believes my body will hold on to what it needs to, so I am not going to become obsessive with my eating. I feel that as long as I am eating healthy and consistently throughout the day I should be fine!
My next appointment is 4 weeks from today. I will get all of my registration and pre-admission paperwork for the hospital at that visit. I guess that means that this baby will actually really be here eventually!
I told my mom and friends that I feel like February will never come, let alone the day she is born. It's like her birth is this imaginary event that I will only wonder about and talk about..forever. Then she kicks, punches me, demands Trader Joe's Dunkers and reminds me that she is growing like a weed in there and will be here before we know it! My heart literally swells when I imagine the day I (and hopefully Dylan) get to see her sweet face for the very first time.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
(Exodus 14:14)
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