Painting beauty with the ashes...

We were to be a family of 4 for eight quick, sweet weeks. It was surreal and beautiful all at the same time. I pinched myself as we began discussing baby names for a second time, wondering if Layla would have a sister or brother. I looked at all of her outgrown clothes wondering if there would be a new tiny baby girl to pass them along to. My food aversions and nausea felt like de ja vu and I wondered how quickly I would start to 'show' with my second. My biggest joy was that I was able to get pregnant without the help of medicine. It was something I had prayed for and I felt like God had given us the biggest gift.

The next thing we knew, we were sitting in the waiting room after our first ultrasound. I held a print out of our ultrasound with the word "Baby!!" typed out by the ultrasound tech. Two exclamation points, I should have felt joy-- instead I felt panic. "Did it say the heartbeat was 55?" I asked Dylan. He agreed but said we should wait and see what our midwife had to say. "Yeah but I mean, 55....thats like hardly anything...". My mind was reeling. Dylan tried distracting me with small talk but I just needed him to be quiet. My thoughts were loud and I couldn't focus on anything until we knew more. During the ultrasound we saw our baby and it's heart flickering. The tech was upbeat as she took measurements and my heart leaped when I saw the baby was measuring a few days head of schedule. We waited for the heartbeat to come pounding through the speakers but instead the room went silent. The tech quickly clicked away on the machine and I guess out of awkward discomfort just typed out "Baby!!" instead, and that was it.

As I sat in the waiting room, I wondered what kind of person would do that. To see a failing life and still use TWO exclamation points. It's little details like that that will always stick out in my mind. Dylan told me to slow down and wait. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe we read something differently, but in my heart I knew we saw everything.

Looking back, I'm glad the tech left us with a happy picture of our baby. It was the last time we would see their heart beating. It was the last time I would feel the hope of what would be of our life with them. We came back a week later only to see stillness on the screen. The week of waiting was torturous as I bounced back and forth from total lack of hope, to praying "well maybe things turned around...". At our next appointment I pictured myself crying in the small dark room. As our little baby popped up on the screen I just turned to Dylan and calmly said, "...it didn't grow". The tech was silent, and I guess for that I'm grateful. There really aren't words and I didn't need any explanation of what we were all seeing.  I imagined myself crumbling but instead as we waited to talk to a doctor, I felt relief. The anxiety I had felt the week leading up to this ultrasound was crippling. At least now we knew. It wasn't at all what we wanted but at least my mind could rest, at least for a little while.

We left the doctor and went for a glass of wine. I rambled about how I was 'okay'. At least I knew. At least now we could start to move on.  I was fine. Except I wasn't. The moment I was alone I broke. I cried, I couldn't stop crying. All I could do was tell this little lost life, "I love you...I love you...I hope you know that I love you."

I've sat to write out this post several times. I have stopped every time, my thoughts messy and raw and disorganized.  I've spent the past few weeks healing, both mentally and physically. I've spent the last few weeks searching for something, the one thing that makes all of this hurt less. I have come far but yet feel like I'm still swimming in the sadness. The biggest thing I have taken from this is that there isn't something to make it hurt less. There isnt a revelation that we can see right now that makes it less sad.

Miscarriage sucks. Period. It's taken me weeks to figure out something as simple as that. I can talk myself in circles, I can remind myself of promises of the future, of God's plan for us. I can lean into Jesus and know that he is painting beauty with the ashes of this loss. The hope of the future is my greatest comfort, but for now, it just sucks. And that's OKAY. It's okay to hurt, to mourn the loss of life.


I have exhausted myself by trying to seek the positive of this heartbreak. I know that God is merciful and He had His hand on our babies heart from the beginning. He saw that our baby was unwell and called them home. For that I am so grateful, but it still hurts.


The best way I can describe the hurt is this; from the moment you find out you are growing a new life, your heart grows a room for them. Room that is waiting to be filled and yet, it never will be. Not with the baby that it was built for. Now it's just an empty space where life should have been. It's an emptiness that fills your days. Some days it's really heavy and some days it's not, but it's still there.

I never wanted to be someone who could relate to losing a pregnancy, but yet here I am. This experience is something I pray I never experience again. It's been nothing like how I pictured a miscarriage to be. It's been long and drawn out, not fast and sudden like I imagined. Physically my body clung to this pregnancy well after there was no heartbeat. It fucked with my heart and my mind as both wanted to cling to this pregnancy too.  As grateful as I was that my body didn't fail me, it started to make me angry. How can everything be going as normal and yet my baby didn't get to live. It felt unfair. I still had all of my symptoms and yet, for nothing.  Waiting for my body to "pass" the miscarriage became psychologically draining. It's a dark, confusing place to know that little one was still inside of me. I was torn between finding comfort that I still carried them with me, and then also praying and pleading for this all to be over.

Spiritually this baby was with Jesus and as soon as I could convince myself of that, I opted for the surgery to have what was left taken out.

So now, we continue to heal. I cling to the promises that darkness doesn't last forever.  I pray for the day we have our hope restored and good news to share. I find comfort that a sweet, new yet familiar little face will welcome me when I'm called home. It brings my heart peace knowing I will know this little life one day. I will see them in the glimmer of the eyes of the baby God blesses us with in the future.

Yup, I know I will.

xo-
Victoria

ONE.

Our baby girl is officially ONE! It’s so bittersweet. There is a part of me that gets teary eyed looking back on her little squishy days and there is a part of me that is so happy she is in this new, fun phase. Lets be honest, mainly because we actually get sleep now, ha! 

This past year was more than I could ever describe or could have imagined. It was full of super high highs and exhaustingly frustrating lows. We never knew the depths of our love until we met this girl who keeps our life so full. 

We had her party & some of our family drove up to be here along with some of our friends here! She won’t remember a second of it but we had a great time and I am grateful for everyone who came (and those who were also here in spirit!)

Layla is go-go-go from the minute she wakes up every day until she goes down to bed every night. She's cruising along furniture like a pro & can take a few steps behind her push walker. I'm not sure when she'll take off on her own but maybe in the next few weeks. She is OBSESSED with watching Big Block Sing Song. I hear those songs in my nightmares. We try and limit her screen time but I'm not above turning it on while I get a few things done around the house. 

One year is big for both of us. If you had told me a year ago that I would still be breastfeeding, I would have laughed and cried at the same time. Breastfeeding is a personal choice for mamma and baby and do what works for you, your baby, and your family. With that said, I just want to be a voice for those who may be discouraged. I'll just throw this out there and if it sticks, great. You can do it. If you want to do it (and can do it physically) you can do it. There will be people with great intentions who tell you it's okay to stop, and if you want to stop, stop! It's not worth being unhappy. Happy mommy is first and foremost. For me, I tried to stop and I quickly realized I didn't want to. I felt wrong & I felt like it was important enough to me to keep going. Now Layla is one and we could totally quit & we are still going. I'm not sure how long we will continue nursing. I'm sure there will be a time where I realize I'm ready to be done or Layla will decide she is done. I'm not nursing this girl forever but it's doable and manageable for us right now so I'm not fixing what isn't broken.  I am so proud of our nursing relationship & it's been such a worthwhile, complicated, special journey for us. 

So, anyways....

I think we are both starting to go a little stir crazy & I am so glad that Spring is right around the corner! We are trying out our first Kindermusik class tomorrow! I'm hoping she loves it & I think it will be good for both of us to get out and do some socializing. 

I have a feeling nap is almost over so, until next time...

xo

How We Cloth Diaper.

Cloth diapering. It's honestly something I didn't plan on doing. I used to think, sure I'm all about keeping things natural but I'm not into that whole scene. I assumed it was a lot of extra work, gross, and just a little too crunchy for me. I didn't know anyone personally who had cloth diapered and it was a foreign concept to me. I remember talking to Dylan about it, expecting him to be relieved I wasn't delving into the idea, and I was shocked when he was the one on board! He said he knew a guy whose wife cloth diapered and he told Dylan how much money they saved. It was enough to make me look into it.

Fast forward,  Layla is almost one (eeeeek!) and we've been cloth diapering 95% of the time since she turned 4 months. We like it, and love saving money even more! I've had a few mommies ask me about our cloth diapers & routine so I figured I'd make a quick post! I should note this is what has worked for us and might not be the perfect route for everyone!

Diapers:

First things first, we use Sunbaby Diapers. When I started looking at pocket cloth diapers, I was turned off to see how expensive a lot of diapers were. I started thinking, $20/diaper....I'm going to need a fair amount of them...what if I hate this? The last thing I wanted to do was spend hundreds of dollars building a cloth diaper stash and then realize I wasn't into it. I also didn't want to spend hundreds of dollars period! I came across another mommy blog who had nothing but great things to say about Sunbaby. Totally affordable, great reviews, and cute prints. Sold. Looking on their site right now I actually think their pricing has gone down even more, sa-weeeet! 

In total, we have 24 diapers with the bamboo inserts. We spent under $200 for our entire stash. This is more than enough for us & has me doing a load of diapers every 3 days or so. Looking at their pricing now, I'd actually probably spring for a few extras. Layla goes through 6 diapers/day right now at almost 12 months. Obviously when she was younger we changed her more frequently, which was part of the reason we held off on going full time with cloth.

Sunbaby offers 3 types of inserts: Microfiber, Bamboo, and Blended. We have only purchased the Bamboo inserts and have been happy with zero issues. I think it comes down to personal preference & what people find works best for them.

You'll also want a wet bag, or I suggest two. We have these. Having two is great because you'll have a clean one on-hand while the other is in the wash.



Wash Method:

Detergent wise, we use Seventh Generation Free & Clear. It's the only one we've tried and have had great results. It's also what we use to wash Layla's clothes so it's kind of a two-in-one for us which is nice!

Here's an awesome chart that Sunbaby has under their FAQs section. It rates different brands as far as whats safe for cloth diapers and why! 

We have an LG front-loading washer. To make running a load of diapers easier, I go ahead and pull the inserts out of the diapers when I'm doing a diaper change. Otherwise I'd have to be really hands on with some days old dirty diapers and I mean, sounds fun, but no thanks. 

I throw all the dirty diapers + inserts in, along with the dirty wet bag. 

I run two cycles:

First Cycle:  Hot regular cycle WITH detergent + extra rinse

Second Cycle: Hot quick cycle WITHOUT detergent + extra rinse.

I do this to make sure the detergent is thoroughly rinsed so there isn't any build up.  

If it's a really tough load (like I've been putting it off and there are some major dipes) I'll add a drop of Young Living Purification oil to help the diapers come out extra fresh!

Sunbaby suggests drying your inserts in the dryer but not your diapers. I know a lot of people like to line dry theirs but for us we don't have anywhere to hang a line. So, I have a drying rack that I drape the diapers on. It works just fine! 

I would say 85% of our diapers come out totally lean and stain free. The few that come out stained (it's inevitable) we lay in the sunshine (or if it's nice and not too windy out, lay them flat outside) so that the sun can bleach out the stains. Seriously works like magic! 

Cloth Diaper Safe Creams:

The only time Layla has ever had a diaper rash was when she was a few weeks old and she was wearing Pampers. Not hating on Pampers, we use their sensitive wipes, but Layla's skin just didn't agree with their diapers. However, we have California Baby Diaper Rash Cream and use it at night when she's going 12+ hours without a diaper change. We love it and it's just a bonus that it's cloth diaper safe.

My favorite diaper cream is this one. Angel Baby Bottom Balm. When Layla was a little younger we realized every time she ate bananas she had a screaming rash on her bottom. We love the California Baby cream but it burned, she would sca-reeaaam. The Bottom Balm didn't and I was so grateful to have it on hand. A little goes a long way, we've had it since she was born and we still have a fair amount left. It's full of essential oils ( ya'll know I love me some oils). I even used it on myself a few days ago on this really weird rash that appeared on my boob from nursing.

If you're like me, my first thought about cloth diapering was...poop. Am I right? What do you do with it? Well the good news is, breastmilk poop is super easy and the least of your problems. You can throw the dirty diaper right in the washer, easy peasy. Once Layla started eating more and more solids, the more gross it started getting. I always heard to just "shake off the poop in the toilet". Friends, there was no shaking anything off. Everything became squished and stuck and messy. Trying to rinse them was no fun, so we decided to buy liners. Oh yeah mommas, so much better! I was honestly about to give up cloth diapering before we started using them. Now we just toss the poop, liner, and wipes all together in the diaper genie. Apparently you can flush them, but we decided not to. The choice is yours!

So, that's about it. Nothing crazy, nothing super overwhelming. Is cloth diapering for everyone? I would say no. I think there's a lot of moms who can be holier-than-thou about everything parent related, including cloth diapering. Gasp, the toxic chemicals of disposables! Not worrying about chemicals is great, love it, woo hoo, but honestly our main reason we decided to try cloth was to save money! It's honestly the biggest pay off, and totally worth a few extra loads of laundry. 

I hope this maybe offered a little insight. :)

xo

Fresh start.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mamma...hi.

Ok, real talk. I've seriously been slacking with this blog. I blame the cute face pictured above. She's on the move & in every cabinet in the house. She's busy being a toddler & I'm busy trying to keep up!

With that being said, I've really been racking my (frazzled) brain with new ways to improve this blog & hopefully reach a broader audience. When I initially started blogging, I did it mainly as a journal for me, my family, anyone who wanted to follow along on this journey. I love having so many memories and experiences written out loud. 

I've always felt that my calling in life was to be a mommy. It's what I dreamed about & ever since becoming a mom to Layla I've realized so many new aspects of myself. Some that I've always known and some that I've been surprised to find out.

With Layla turning ONE and this first crazy amazing year in the books, I'm really seeking to focus on blogging. I want to put my DSLR camera to use rather than see it sitting on a shelf. With our breastfeeding journey (and oh what a journey its been..) soon ending on a high note, I'm ready to refocus on my eating and lifestyle choices. I want to share my love of natural living & my new obsession with essential oils (oh they are so good). There's so much I want to share, and I'm thinking a new fresh start is in order.



New blog, new focuses. Layla will always be the light of my life & the main reason and influence for my blog.

So, stay tuned!

But hey, don't leave me just yet. We still have a first birthday to celebrate!

xo.

11 months.

Hi there. I've really slacked with these monthly updates! However, we've been busy falling down stairs, falling out of highchairs, this mommy's trip to the ER (knife vs. hand fiasco)..you know, typical toddler stuff. Toddler! I seriously can't get used to saying that yet. We no longer live life with an infant. We now live with a crazy, silly, smart, loud (did I say crazy?) toddler. 

The last of Layla's baby gear has officially been packed up. The mountain of outgrown clothes & itty bitty baby stuff is growing each month. Our lawn drying rack that used to be covered in bottles & pump parts is now cluttered with plates & spoons & sippy cups. We have entered a new stage and I am so proud of all that Layla has learned and continues to learn day by day.

Layla brings so much joy to our life every single day. She is such a free spirit & I love seeing her so happy. I remember the sleepless, whirlwind days with a colicky newborn. I remember saying, she is miserable! She's just a miserable baby! (Oh the crazy that hormones & lack of sleep brings, la la la...).Remembering back on those hard months makes this current time with her so much more fun. I appreciate the good days because we had some really rough days. 

She loves dancing ('Uptown Funk' anyone?), Sesame Street, and her furry siblings. She loves to talk, the louder the better! She can probably eat her weight in food on the daily. Books are her favorite! 

We love you so much baby girl. Thank you for teaching us so much about ourselves, about patience, and the value of every day. I pray you always stay as vivacious & outgoing as you are now. 

You will move mountains sweet cheeks! 

Being enough.

Ok, so lets be real for a minute. With Layla's 1st birthday right around the corner, I've been spending a lot of time on Etsy & Instagram searching for ideas for her party. I've found a few things I'm planning to buy because although she won't remember this party, I still want it to be special. I'll be honest and say that most of the items I'm planning on, I saw on another mommy bloggers post. She threw an amazing 1st birthday for her daughter, probably everything I wish I was crafty enough to do. But lets face it, I'm not. I don't have the time nor the talent to hand craft home made animal cookies, bake a ridiculously perfect birthday cake, and order sickeningly cute party favors. I barely have time to click and order these few decorations as it is, and I'm only buying them because I have an Etsy gift card. Like, $30 for some pom pom garland? I know it's insane. But it's so.damn.cute.

I say all of this because I'm done comparing myself to these people on social media. To be honest, I think it's all bullshit. Being a mom is hard, and it should be enough. I literally feel like I give my whole self to being Layla's mom from the minute I wake up until she falls asleep each night. Not to mention I'm still a wife. I struggle to find time for myself when there is so much that requires my attention. Some days I feel like I'm drowning & that there is literally not enough time in the day to get to myself.

I realized that in the spare time I have (usually during naps) I spend a lot of that time skimming through Instagram, looking at all of these other moms/shop owners/bloggers who I feel like just outdo me in every sense. Their kids are perfectly dressed in clothes I wish I could but can't afford, their homes are cute as shit, they seem way more creative than I could ever be. But, so what? Are their kids any happier than mine? Do their kids give a shit whether or not their breakfast was Pinterest worthy fruit faces? If their house is anything like mine, half of their breakfast was fed to the dog or thrown on the floor.

I remember reading an article that said, every mom is drowning in motherhood. I believe that to be true, but I am quick to forget. Maybe it's all an illusion, I mean most of what is on social media is. No one showcases the not so fun parts of being a mom. I see pictures posted of babies who "partied all night long". Cute, but what I think they really mean to say is, my baby cried all night & so did I. But, thats not going to get likes. It should, because it's real & relatable and lets us know we aren't alone. Reality isn't always cute & perfect and worthy of an Instagram.

I absolutely love being a mom. I've learned to appreciate the not so fun times because they make me appreciate the good days. I love everything that being a mom has taught me about myself. As challenging as this first year has been, I am so grateful for every day. I've even found myself thinking crazy thoughts about wanting to do it all over again with a second baby. It makes me laugh because I remember the early days with Layla and thinking I will NEVER do this again! How do people do this again?! Now I know why. The good out shadows the bad and the love your child has for you and you for them is the best thing ever.

To the moms who manage to create 200+ pairs of organic baby leggings during their kids naps, kuddos. I give you major props. I am literally in awe of you. To the moms who haven't brushed their teeth today, I'm right there with you. I didn't create Pinterest worthy pancake faces for Layla's breakfast, but I did jam out to Bruno Mars 'Uptown Funk' for the 500th time and watched Layla smile and dance. She was happy, I was happy. And thats enough.

Feeding Solids.

Re-play

Layla's love for eating started with simple purees at 4 months and has grown as she has gotten older (and 2 teeth!). We call her the bottomless pit because she eats...and eats...and eats! 

Now that she is 9 (almost 10) months, she is mainly eating table foods and is losing interest in pureed foods. I'm glad about this for two reasons; because her pediatrician suggests being completely off of any purees by the time she turns 1, and because I was really 'over' making pureed foods all the time! She eats 3 solid meals a day (breakfast/lunch/dinner) and it's so much easier to steam/heat up some table foods & foods that we have in the house for us. 

Here are some examples of what foods I offer:

Breakfast// 

• Slices of organic pears, peaches, Mandarin oranges

*I buy canned organic fruits because they are affordable and EASY! I'll open the can, strain the fruit, rinse, and store in a Tupperware.

• Organic Waffle with either Earth Balance or Coconut Oil spread
• 'Earths Best' Whole Grain Oatmeal with Organic unsweetened applesauce.

Lunch//

• Cubed avocado
• Cubed & steamed sweet potato/butternut squash

*I buy pre cut containers of both of these, so much easier!

• Organic bread (toasted) with hummus
• Organic black beans

Dinner//

• Organic ground chicken
• Steamed green beans/peas/carrots

*I buy frozen organic veggies because they are affordable, easy to steam, and last forever in the freezer.

• Sliced Beets
• Toast with hummus

I love all of these foods because they are easy to prepare! Like I mentioned, I buy a majority of her vegetables frozen & I usually take a few minutes every couple of days to steam and store larger amounts so that I can scoop out a small portion and microwave them when it's time to eat. Once Layla is in her highchair she is very short on patience so the faster I can put food on her tray, the better.

 I also love these food ideas because they are healthy & easy for Layla to feed to herself. The time Layla spends feeding herself is usually time I can take to do dishes/prep my own meals.

We still buy pouches to use out of convenience when we are out and about. For example, if we go out to lunch or dinner I will bring along a pouch and then also try and order something off the menu for her to feed herself. She can suck down an entire pouch in less than a minute so I try and limit how often she eats directly from the pouch as I don't want her to prefer the ease of a liquid meal, ha!

Anyways, I'm always looking for new and easy foods to introduce her to. She has her 2 bottom teeth as of now so I try to stick with soft, mashable foods that don't require a lot of biting/tearing.

We haven't introduced any dairy products yet and seeing how we don't really keep dairy in the house, I'm not sure if I'm planning to give it to her period. With her 1st birthday quickly approaching, I have to research and decide what I plan to wean her onto as far as milk.  I am planning to continue breastfeeding until she is 12 months, beyond that I am going to have to  play it by ear. Part of me will be so ready to wean her (if she hasn't already weaned herself) but I know a part of me will be sad. But, that's talk for another time.

Nap is almost over, better run...

-xo