Mammahood

I've caught myself second guessing myself a lot lately.  Layla is growing quickly and I'm starting to realize there are decisions I have to make in regards to how I want to influence her as she gets older. Welcome to motherhood I suppose! I know every emotion I feel is totally normal when it comes to being a mamma, but I am an anxious person and sometimes I need to realize its okay to worry. Dylan always tells me to stop worrying but the truth is, I will worry about her for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure why this is all weighing on my mind this morning. I think it's from hearing a lot about different parenting methods lately. The whole "spanking" scandal, the "vaccination" hype, there's conflicting views on it all. If you haven't stumbled across the show 'Extreme Guide to Parenting', you should check it out..it's pretty interesting. The latest episode I watched was a mom who practiced 'conscious attachment parenting'. There were some things I wouldn't quite go for (ever heard of elimination communication?) but for the most part I found myself relating to a lot of her ways of thinking which really surprised me. While I didn't share in all of her beliefs, it was a show about an "extreme" form of parenting and I didn't find it all that extreme. Nothing she did had the potential of screwing her kid up in the long run. (ie: she didn't have her 2 year old coloring pictures of vaginas or playing with sex toys. Like I said, this show is interesting!).

All in all, it just made me realize how important it is to find what you believe it and stick to it. I regret so many things I did as a new mom & I wonder how many women feel the same way. Dylan always tells me "we did what we thought was best at the time". It's true, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. As a new mom you just don't have any idea what's "right" and I was so focused on doing things the "right" way that I feel like I didn't get to really embrace life with a newborn. If I've learned anything over the past 7 months it's that there is not a right way to parent. I think if you're doing what you are comfortable with, what works for your baby & for your family, then that is right. It's like the saying goes, "if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything". I really struggled to feel confident in my decisions as a new mom & therefore I allowed myself to feel confused and overwhelmed by all of the different opinions out there. Looking back, I have a list of things I would do differently knowing what I know now, but I am trying to not feel regret for how I did things the first time around.

Being a first time mom is literally like flying blind, or at least it was for me. Having a baby blew my Type A personality for a loop. I mean, I freaking charted every pee, poop & nap for the first 20 weeks of Layla's life. Crazy much? It has taken me 7 months to adjust and be okay with the fact that babies will be babies & every day will bring its own triumphs and challenges.

Like any mom, I want to do whats best for my daughter. If I could do everything perfectly I would (who wouldn't?) but I am focusing on creating a healthy balance of expectations. My goal is to raise Layla in as much of a natural way as possible. I  choose to breastfeed, cloth diaper, baby wear, avoid medicines as much as I can & strive to give her only healthy foods, organic when possible. With that being said, I'm not above using disposables when I feel like it, we don't bed share, and she's been fully vaccinated without question or hesitation. I know that doesn't fit into what a lot of the "natural mammas" believe in, but for me it's about balance. Co-sleeping doesn't work for our family and I'll vaccinate my kid against potentially deadly diseases and feel okay with it because I know that I try to avoid potentially harmful additives/substances in other areas of her life. If this means I don't "fit" into a particular form of parenting, I'm cool with that. 

I'm a contradiction in myself half the time. I hardly ever take medicine & try holistic avenues as much as possible, however that epidural was totally amaze balls & I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  

I feel like you learn a lot about yourself and your beliefs once you become a parent. It's sometimes hard to look at yourself and realize things about yourself that you haven't before. I think I'm learning as I go and thats about the only way you can really do this whole parenting thing. It's important to remember that every mamma out there is doing the same thing, just in different ways; they are all doing the best that they can with an equal amount of love for their child. As much as I doubt myself on the daily, when I look at Layla and she's laughing & smiling I tell myself that I'm doing okay. I will never be the perfect parent but as long as she has love for me & knows my love for her, I'm doing my best.

"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a millions ways to be a good one."

Keep on keepin' on...

So, we had Layla's 6 month wellness check up a few days ago! I'm happy to report that our little peanut girl received a glowing report!

I was so nervous about this appointment because I knew the outcome would determine a lot for us. I spent all week 'on the fence', bouncing back and forth thinking of how our daily life would change if I had to stop breastfeeding. 

I was also nervous because as a mom who exclusively breastfeeds, it almost felt like this appointment was telling of what I was providing for my child, whether or not I was "adequate". I know that sounds really bizarre but I couldn't help but feel like I would take it personally if her doctor thought she needed 'more' than what I was giving.

Layla weighs just under 14 pounds and is 26.5 inches long. It's hard for me to see other babies, sometimes younger babies, outweigh and out chunk her. It's really tempting to compare her to others! However, her doctor assured me that she is perfectly fine. She's a small baby...always has been, will probably always be.

So,we are just going to 'keep on keepin' on'!

Layla loves (loooooves) to eat! I have decided to try again at making her own food. Round 2. I just feel like there is no reason that I can't do it (this is the stubborn side of me peeping through). I'm fortunate enough to stay home with her & she's getting better at entertaining herself long enough for me to do some work in the kitchen. I just can't justify spending money on something I can make for her for less knowing it's freshly made. Fingers crossed I have a better outcome this time..

I really like the idea of Baby Lead Weaning, however, Layla doesn't have a single tooth yet and it just makes me nervous giving her whole pieces of food. Not to mention the times we've tried it, she basically feeds the dogs rather than herself, covering herself in the food in the process. I'm hoping as she gets a little older (and gets some chompers) we can transition from purees to more of a BLW approach. 

I can't wait till we can share food together! 

Anyways, just wanted to pop in...until next time.

xo

6 months.

This past month has been nuts! Between the 'joys' of homeownership & traveling, I've had zero time to blog...so, here we are already a month later! Layla is 6 months old. I remember thinking when Layla was a newborn, six months seemed like it was so far in the distant future! 6 months is a big for us.

During my breastfeeding woes in the beginning, I remember thinking if 'I could just' make it to 6 months. At the time that sounded impossibly daunting, yet here we are. It's been such a worthwhile journey for us. I am so glad that I have stuck it out through all of the frustration & uncertainty. I think in the future I would like to find an avenue to help support other new mommies in their breastfeeding journeys. I wouldn't have made it through the first month without the unbelievable support I received! 

We just got back from a long visit to Atlanta. It was great seeing friends and family! However, I don't think we will be traveling anywhere anytime soon. Layla slept like crap the entire time we were there & there were nights that I was bawling & wanting to pull my hair out. We had spent so much time & effort getting Layla to sleep at night & things were finally falling into place before we left town. It felt like she was up all night, every night. Totally frustrating. But, we had a wedding we had RSVP'd for & had to stick it out until then. 

Now that we've been back in NC for a week, she is settling back into her regular sleeping patterns. Thank you Jesus!

This was me, sleep deprived...very very sleep deprived.

Layla & I were in Atlanta for close to 3 weeks and during that time I was buying the organic pouches for her out of convenience. I quickly realized those pouches (2/day @$1.50/ea) were adding up!  Once we got back to our NC home, I ventured into making her own food. 

I found some inspiration from this blog. I think I made bigger batches & did different combinations (some good, some not so great) and all in all I think I made about 25 8 oz. portions. I stored them in Ziploc baggies laying flat. As much as I would love to say it was so much fun & I'll do it over and over, I admit that about half way through the process those damn costly pouches were sounding pretty awesome. I think the blog said she spent a total of an hour making her food & for me it took about 3 hours by the time I chopped, steamed, pureed, rinsed the Vitamix between batches, portioned out the baggies, etc. 

Another thing I realized while out of town was how much I really love cloth diapering. I didn't take any of Layla's cloth diapers with us since our trips to Atlanta are always hectic and it didn't help that I left North Carolina like a bat out of hell (Our A/C unit's fan blade broke and it had to be ordered..after a few days of no air conditioning + one night in a hotel I decided to take off for Georgia ahead of schedule). I admit that before our trip, I wasn't totally in love with cloth diapering. I kept reading how awesome it was & I was trying really hard to love it...I mean, disposables are so easy! Before our trip, I would say I was cloth diapering 70% of the time. Now that we are home I'm using cloth 95% of the time. The cost of using disposables full time was nuts! I change Layla really frequently, like probably more than really necessary, so I was flying through diapers. Between the cost of her 2-pouch-a-day habit & buying diapers more than usual, our trip was getting expensive.

After seeing how costly disposables are, the little extra work involved in using cloth is totally worth it to me! I typically do a load of diaper laundry every other day & it's no more involved than doing a load of regular laundry. We use Sunbaby diapers and haven't had any issues. There is the occasional leak but I blame buying the Size 2 (for chunkier babies) before Layla was born when I thought I would have a chubalub baby. Now here I am with a long & lean little peanut who probably needs the Size 1 diapers. I'm sticking it out though & actually just ordered 6 more of the Size 2. I figure she will be wearing these diapers until she's potty trained so sticking with the larger size can't hurt. 

What Layla lacks for in weight she makes up for in personality! She blows me out of the water. Dylan and I laugh because we don't know where she gets her crazy high energy from! I still believe she burns so many calories that she can't keep any weight on. She is literally non-stop...if she's awake, she is on the move!  She is rolling both ways, loves to bounce in her exersaucer, and is so so close to sitting up without assistance. 

I'll be curious to see what her doctor says about her size. Whenever I start to wonder or stress out about her weight, I just remember to 'look at the baby, not the scale'. Layla is beaming with happiness every day and hitting all of her milestones right on time. I am trying to remain open minded to the fact that the doctor may suggest introducing formula. Honestly, there is a part of me that would be okay with slowly weaning. The same part of me that's ready to have my body back, to eat how I want & have a little more of my 'old' self back. On the flip side, the other part of me would feel sad. Nursing is all I've known & all Layla has really known. I feel anxious thinking of no longer having the ability to nurse. I know that our nursing days will end eventually so whenever it happens, I will learn to live with it and adjust. I just hope that it can be gradual & that we can ease into a new normal when the time comes.

I love waking up everyday to such a happy baby girl! She is such a bright light in our lives!

Happy 6 months LBG! 

xo