Well, being a mom has made me 10x crazier but it is because I'm so insane on giving Layla the best, I am happy to say she is back on the boob and life is good.
I know, I said I was giving up..and that was my plan. It really was. I had semi accepted my fate and planned on moving on.
I just couldn't. I physically and mentally couldn't. I thought that discontinuing breastfeeding would give me some sense of relief and in fact it was the total opposite. I felt sad..like really, really sad. So, I decided to give it another shot...
It started when Layla began showing interest in wanting to nurse. I let her "lead the way" and if she seemed to want to nurse, I allowed her to. From there it seemed she wanted to nurse more and more frequently. I cried happy tears every time she latched on, even if it was just for a minute. I realized how much I missed that connection & I honestly think she missed it as well.
For the past 2 weeks or so I've kept the formula on standby just in case we need it, and I've told myself that if she seems hungry not to feel bad about supplementing. I admit there are times I'm mind willing her to be satisfied after nursing but there has only been a handful of times she seems to need more. Small victories.
Every once in a while there will be a moment where nursing feels stressful & I re-enter that panicked feeling of wondering if I'm crazy for trying again. Just last week I had reached the point of researching formulas again, on the verge of throwing in the towel. That afternoon I ended up meeting with a Breastfeeding Counselor.
I honestly think it was a meant-to-be, Jesus moment. I met with the most amazing counselor who had nothing but positive things to say about Layla and our nursing relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job & that I was a good mom...like, really needed it. I talked all about how I self doubt my abilities to feed Layla & it was so nice to just have someone hear me. I drive myself insane being home all day and wondering "is she hungry?".
Her entire life I've been made to feel like she's starving so I've been conditioned to read all of her fussiness and crying as hunger. For example, even while in her office Dylan was holding Layla as she was entering meltdown territory so my initial reaction was to whip out her bottle of breast milk. The counselor asked to hold Layla and after about 10 seconds she calmed down..like all the way down. She wasn't hungry, she just wanted a change of pace.
Since that visit I've tried to be patient with our breastfeeding relationship. There have been several times the clock (I'm a total Type A schedule freak..hint: babies aren't) says she should be hungry, and she screams and arches away from the boob. My first instinct is to panic and assume she hates nursing. I'll try 5 or 10 minutes later and she latches like a champ. She's hungry when she's hungry, not because my chart says she should be. I'm learning...slowly, but I'm learning. She cries when she's hungry, but also if she's bored..or overstimulated..or understimulated..or just because she's pissed off and feels like complaining. Babies are complicated and uncomplicated all at the same time!
I don't think our nursing relationship will ever be 100% issue free, but I doubt anyone's really is. The thousands of posts on breastfeeding message boards & websites proves that. I think it's something that needs to be talked about more amongst expecting mothers. I know that I felt very alone when I think in reality any mother could relate on same level to having issues.
So, we will see. Who knows..my next post may sing a completely different tune..but for now, I like where we are headed.
