I've wanted to share my breastfeeding experience for the past (almost) 3 months. Yes, three whole months. It's taken me three months to write about breastfeeding because of, ummm, breastfeeding.
During my pregnancy I couldn't wait to breastfeed. I planned on breastfeeding for as long as I could. I bought a big fancy pump, all of the creams and "must have" breastfeeding products. I took a breastfeeding class & proudly answered "breast" when my midwife/OB/nurse would ask if I planned on breast or formula feeding.
The day that Layla was born, she latched perfectly immediately after birth. It was a memory that I will forever cherish. I had read so many blogs or forums of women who had babies who couldn't latch correctly and I felt like, woo hoo, we are on our way on our breastfeeding journey!
Flash forward to today. As amazing as our breastfeeding journey began, today marks the day that our journey has come to a longtime coming/tragic/emotional end. I wanted to share my story because it has helped me cope with my guilt reading other momma's blogs who have had to give up breastfeeding for one reason or another.
So, here we go...
Our stay at the hospital was great...Layla nursed as well as any 1 & 2 day old baby can nurse. I had no clue what I was doing and my nipples hurt like hell but I was confident. The lactation consultant came for a visit, commented that I had "perfect" nipples for breastfeeding & that she had all the confidence in the world for us. Again, wooo hooo...
Layla was born at 7lbs 5oz and at our first pediatrician visit she was down to 6lbs 9oz. Okay, no big deal..babies lose weight in the beginning. They are bloated from fluids during delivery, etc etc. Our pediatrican wasn't concerned..he said I could always supplement if I wanted to which at the time sounded to me like he suggested feeding my baby arsenic. I was so completely anti-formula (I still am...) & I just knew that things would turn around.
My milk took FOREVER to come in..like 6 days. If you want to know what 6 days of a hungry baby is like, just imagine the most chaotic stressful shit show you could ever imagine. Layla screamed day and night. I was a wreck. Layla was nursing constantly and my nipples were experiencing their own version of a fresh hell. I had blisters & I cried every time she wanted to nurse because it hurt like hell. I was taking Fenugreek and drinking Milk Maid Tea like a crazy woman. I just wanted my milk to come in so that we could get this magical breastfeeding show on the road..
Here's my little tidbit of advice about that. Going crazy of fenugreek and teas caused a SERIOUS oversupply/over active letdown issue for me. Over supply? Over active letdown? I knew nothing about either of these because NO ONE TELLS YOU! This is why I say no "class" could ever prepare me for what breastfeeding really entailed. Sure, you can show me all of the positions I could possibly ever (or never) use, but if my baby is screaming, refusing to nurse & starving, those positions don't do a damn thing. I wish hospitals would provide some type of trouble shooting class so that when issues do (and they will) arise, you don't have a meltdown in your already exhausted/stressed out stupor.
Breastfeeding isn't as "natural" as books make it out to be. There are a lot of variables that factor in to how successful (or not) it will be for you and I never thought to look into them. I spent many hours researching online in my exhausted (literally, I have no idea how I continued to funtion) state of mind which quickly turned into meltdown after meltdown. I received conflicting advice from pediatricians, lactation consultations, La Leche League leaders & I was just so ready to give up. I would scream at Dylan, "it's not supposed to be like this..something is wrong..at what point to I accept that this isn't working...fuck you..." the list goes on and on.
At one point I was pumping prior to nursing, nursing Layla, and pumping afterwards so that I could supplement with what I pumped. When your baby is wanting to eat every 30 min/hour, doing all of this left approximately ZERO time for me to sleep, eat, or cry my eyes out. In addition to having zero time, all of the pumping was only causing me to produce MORE. I developed a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance so when Layla would nurse she was filling up on foremilk and never getting to the fattier hindmilk. She was hardly gaining weight.
Dylan was so supportive which looking back, I totally am glad that he was. However, at the time he just seemed like a ray of fucking sunshine when I just wanted someone to commiserate with me and say "yeah this totally sucks..". He didn't see it from a mom's perspective, he wasn't the mom who couldn't satisfy her baby.
One night I really couldn't stand it anymore and we gave a supplement bottle of formula from the zillion samples formula companies send you when you're pregnant. I bawled my eyes out as she drained the 2oz bottle. I felt like I was ruining her & I felt like a total failure for not being able to give my baby what "every mother" should be able to. Looking back, she was starving and I shouldn't have felt bad..but I didn't know any better at the time.
I was so desperate for this to work because I felt like a "good" mom wouldn't give up and give their baby anything but "the best". We had the lactation from the hospital come for a home visit and thank God for her. Thanks to her help I was able to get my supply under control and our nursing experience got a lot better. However, I can say that breastfeeding totally consumed my every waking moment...I was either breastfeeding or thinking about the next time I would be.
The past 2 months or so have been..is this a word, survivable? We were getting through the day and Layla seemed decently content while she was awake and was sleeping decently at night. I did however still feel like I couldn't leave her for any length of time. As much as I wanted her on a predictable feeding schedule I felt like she was always hungry. I went to my 8 week check in with my OB and they looked at me like I had 5 heads when I told them I hadn't left her in 8 weeks. Their reaction really made me start questioning my own sanity. I've had to cut out dairy from my diet along with feeling like about a million other things make her gassy. Breastfeeding was quickly becoming life consuming/sanity sucking but for me, if I could give her breast milk & avoid formula it was all worth it.
Long story short, it's been 3 months and I still haven't really ever been able to go out without Layla. The only time I've ever been anywhere with her alone is if we go to the pediatrician which is literally 2 minutes from our house.
A few days ago we decided to take her for a weight check (a common occurrence in our life) and I was shocked to find out she had only gained 6oz in 2 weeks. Knife to the heart. I knew she had started to nurse for shorter periods of time but I figured she was getting older and (wishful thinking) had become more efficient at nursing. The nurse suggested I start supplementing with 2oz of formula after every time I nursed her.
Blah blah blah, the moral of that story is that Layla has become super impatient when it comes to nursing. My guess is that she was staying latched when the milk initially "let down" and then when it took a little more effort she didn't feel like working for it. So, when I thought she was "full" she was really just lazy (and still hungry). She would suck down the 2oz supplement and still act hungry. I started panicking that maybe she was hardly eating anything when nursing & so began the slippery slope of giving more bottles than breast. My worst fear was quickly realized.
Oh, but I couldn't give up. Fuck sanity, I was GOING to give my baby breast milk! I started with a new plan of exclusively pumping. I figured I had the milk, she just wasn't getting it. Simple solution, wham bam thank you ma'am.
Hahahahaha...
Ok, so I "exclusively" pumped for a total of one whole day (aka yesterday). I quickly realized that there was no way in hell I could pump enough to give her what she needed. I am so jealous of these women who have a ginormous stash of breast milk in their fridge/freezer. (I seriously read one message board where a woman said she had 23 gallons of expressed milk...GALLONS! Excuse my french, but what the holy fuck..).
So, today I bit the bullet and used what I had pumped and then had no choice but to resort to formula. Layla has almost no interest in nursing anymore which breaks my heart but it is what it is. I think she quickly learned that bottles are easier and faster so she said to hell with trying to nurse.
I've been crying and bursting into tears all day but I know this is the way things have to be for us. Once we started supplementing she gained 11oz in 3 days & now that I am able to monitor how many ounces she takes, I am shocked at how much this girl can eat! I now realize that she must have been so hungry and there is absolutely no way I could pump enough to meet her demand.
It has truly taken 3 long, exhausting months for me to be even remotely okay with this decision. No matter what anyone says, I feel like I have failed in some way. I am crushed when I think back to the day she was born and latched perfectly. I am having to mourn the loss of the "dream" I had of breastfeeding her for much longer than this. I'm having to sort through the guilt I have when I think of how "inferior" formula is to breast milk.
However, Layla needs to eat. She needs to gain weight. She needs to thrive.
She also needs a happy mommy & I can admit that I've had too many "unhappy" moments. I've been so consumed and stressed with breastfeeding that I've projected that frustration onto her (not in an abusive way, okay...I can't word that any better) and also onto Dylan. He deserves a happy, sane wife just as much as Layla deserves a happy, patient mommy.
My plan as of now is to provide as much breast milk as I can. I'm planning on developing a sane, relaxed & manageable pumping schedule so that I can collect and hopefully provide at least 1 bottle of breast milk a day. Any breast milk is better than none.
All in all, I have to do what is right for my baby and as much as I hear "breast is best", if she isn't gaining weight then is it really "best"? Of course my heart hurts a little bit when I watch her down a full bottle of formula but my heart also swells when I see a happy, content baby girl smiling at me versus a screaming, frustrated one. Dylan's cousin said something to me that really stuck. She said, "I AM PROUD OF YOU. You are a good mom, actually a GREAT mom for doing what is best for you and your family."
It is what it is and I'm still taking the day to "grieve" but I just wanted to share this for my sake in getting it out & also in case anyone else ever has a similar experience. It has helped me immensely to know I am no where close to being "alone" in my trial.
I thank God for my daughter every second of every day. I am blessed with a sweet baby girl and I want nothing more than for her to thrive. I do everything in my power to ensure that she is happy and healthy and it's a tough pill to swallow, but maybe breastfeeding isn't a part of that equation.
Whew...I think I'll go have a glass of wine..because I can do that now. (woo hooooooo)
