Feeding Solids.

Re-play

Layla's love for eating started with simple purees at 4 months and has grown as she has gotten older (and 2 teeth!). We call her the bottomless pit because she eats...and eats...and eats! 

Now that she is 9 (almost 10) months, she is mainly eating table foods and is losing interest in pureed foods. I'm glad about this for two reasons; because her pediatrician suggests being completely off of any purees by the time she turns 1, and because I was really 'over' making pureed foods all the time! She eats 3 solid meals a day (breakfast/lunch/dinner) and it's so much easier to steam/heat up some table foods & foods that we have in the house for us. 

Here are some examples of what foods I offer:

Breakfast// 

• Slices of organic pears, peaches, Mandarin oranges

*I buy canned organic fruits because they are affordable and EASY! I'll open the can, strain the fruit, rinse, and store in a Tupperware.

• Organic Waffle with either Earth Balance or Coconut Oil spread
• 'Earths Best' Whole Grain Oatmeal with Organic unsweetened applesauce.

Lunch//

• Cubed avocado
• Cubed & steamed sweet potato/butternut squash

*I buy pre cut containers of both of these, so much easier!

• Organic bread (toasted) with hummus
• Organic black beans

Dinner//

• Organic ground chicken
• Steamed green beans/peas/carrots

*I buy frozen organic veggies because they are affordable, easy to steam, and last forever in the freezer.

• Sliced Beets
• Toast with hummus

I love all of these foods because they are easy to prepare! Like I mentioned, I buy a majority of her vegetables frozen & I usually take a few minutes every couple of days to steam and store larger amounts so that I can scoop out a small portion and microwave them when it's time to eat. Once Layla is in her highchair she is very short on patience so the faster I can put food on her tray, the better.

 I also love these food ideas because they are healthy & easy for Layla to feed to herself. The time Layla spends feeding herself is usually time I can take to do dishes/prep my own meals.

We still buy pouches to use out of convenience when we are out and about. For example, if we go out to lunch or dinner I will bring along a pouch and then also try and order something off the menu for her to feed herself. She can suck down an entire pouch in less than a minute so I try and limit how often she eats directly from the pouch as I don't want her to prefer the ease of a liquid meal, ha!

Anyways, I'm always looking for new and easy foods to introduce her to. She has her 2 bottom teeth as of now so I try to stick with soft, mashable foods that don't require a lot of biting/tearing.

We haven't introduced any dairy products yet and seeing how we don't really keep dairy in the house, I'm not sure if I'm planning to give it to her period. With her 1st birthday quickly approaching, I have to research and decide what I plan to wean her onto as far as milk.  I am planning to continue breastfeeding until she is 12 months, beyond that I am going to have to  play it by ear. Part of me will be so ready to wean her (if she hasn't already weaned herself) but I know a part of me will be sad. But, that's talk for another time.

Nap is almost over, better run...

-xo

must haves for 6+ months.

I haven't done a 'must have' list in a few months and since I've seemingly dropped off the face of the Earth, I decided to finally sit down and write a post. These are a few of our favorite things that we have loved since Layla turned 6 months up to now.





Scabib. We receive so many compliments on Layla's "scarves" which are basically glorified drool catchers. Layla drools so much that without a Scabib, she soaks through shirts in no time! There are a ton of cute prints to choose from & they look more like an accessory to her outfits than a standard bib. We've been using them from months already and I'm planning to purchase more as I'm sure there is no end in sight with the constant drooling.

Scabib

Honest Co. floor cleaner. Now that Layla is crawling everywhere, I'm really trying to keep the floors clean and with three dogs, I'm constantly cleaning. It's amazing how dirty our floors get in a short amount of time! I love this cleaner because it's safe to use around Layla. She's typically following right behind as I clean so I love using a cleaner without toxic chemicals! Our floors look great even if it's just for a few minutes (sigh...). It's also super easy and convenient to use. I  just use a Swiffer sweeper with a rag (rather than the Swiffer pads) and just spray and 'mop' as I go.

Honest Co.

Tommee Tippee Easi Roll Bib. Layla is really into feeding herself table food. I love that she's able to feed herself but it can get super messy. These bibs are rubber so they are really easy to clean & they do a great job catching the food she drops! We call it her "pouch" because she will usually 'go shopping' and grab the lost pieces out and eat them when she runs out of her food on her tray. They are super easy to take to restaurants since they roll up & wipe clean.

Explora easy roll bib

Itzy Ritzy Sitzy. This has gotten a ton of use over the past few months! We use it on restaurant highchairs & shopping carts when she's not in the Tula. It helps her to stay put in high chairs that can sometimes be too big and not very supportive, plus it's really easy to clean and throw back in the car for whenever we need it!

Itzy Ritzy Sitzy

Layla is nearing 10 months already! ( I did a great job with  getting my my 8 & 9 month update done, huh?) I can't believe the amount of clothes & baby gear we have already packed away. It makes me kind of sad but it's so fun watching her grow and learn new things every day! We have totally revamped the downstairs of our house to make it more "baby friendly", a project I'm sure will evolve as she continues to grow and explore.

Fall Family Shoot.

You know you have an awesome photographer when you're so nervous to see the pictures because your 8 month/teething/uncooperative/wont-keep-hands-out-of-mouth/always-smiling-until-right-now baby throws a fit the entire time you're shooting...and then you receive pictures like these. She is uhhh-mazing.

I've been so MIA lately that I almost considered shutting this blog down...buuuuut I really love keeping it updated as Layla grows. I know I will enjoy looking back on this.

She is 8 months old. EIGHT MONTHS. She might as well be turning ONE like, tomorrow.

8 month update coming soon.

Until then...

xo

Mammahood

I've caught myself second guessing myself a lot lately.  Layla is growing quickly and I'm starting to realize there are decisions I have to make in regards to how I want to influence her as she gets older. Welcome to motherhood I suppose! I know every emotion I feel is totally normal when it comes to being a mamma, but I am an anxious person and sometimes I need to realize its okay to worry. Dylan always tells me to stop worrying but the truth is, I will worry about her for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure why this is all weighing on my mind this morning. I think it's from hearing a lot about different parenting methods lately. The whole "spanking" scandal, the "vaccination" hype, there's conflicting views on it all. If you haven't stumbled across the show 'Extreme Guide to Parenting', you should check it out..it's pretty interesting. The latest episode I watched was a mom who practiced 'conscious attachment parenting'. There were some things I wouldn't quite go for (ever heard of elimination communication?) but for the most part I found myself relating to a lot of her ways of thinking which really surprised me. While I didn't share in all of her beliefs, it was a show about an "extreme" form of parenting and I didn't find it all that extreme. Nothing she did had the potential of screwing her kid up in the long run. (ie: she didn't have her 2 year old coloring pictures of vaginas or playing with sex toys. Like I said, this show is interesting!).

All in all, it just made me realize how important it is to find what you believe it and stick to it. I regret so many things I did as a new mom & I wonder how many women feel the same way. Dylan always tells me "we did what we thought was best at the time". It's true, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. As a new mom you just don't have any idea what's "right" and I was so focused on doing things the "right" way that I feel like I didn't get to really embrace life with a newborn. If I've learned anything over the past 7 months it's that there is not a right way to parent. I think if you're doing what you are comfortable with, what works for your baby & for your family, then that is right. It's like the saying goes, "if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything". I really struggled to feel confident in my decisions as a new mom & therefore I allowed myself to feel confused and overwhelmed by all of the different opinions out there. Looking back, I have a list of things I would do differently knowing what I know now, but I am trying to not feel regret for how I did things the first time around.

Being a first time mom is literally like flying blind, or at least it was for me. Having a baby blew my Type A personality for a loop. I mean, I freaking charted every pee, poop & nap for the first 20 weeks of Layla's life. Crazy much? It has taken me 7 months to adjust and be okay with the fact that babies will be babies & every day will bring its own triumphs and challenges.

Like any mom, I want to do whats best for my daughter. If I could do everything perfectly I would (who wouldn't?) but I am focusing on creating a healthy balance of expectations. My goal is to raise Layla in as much of a natural way as possible. I  choose to breastfeed, cloth diaper, baby wear, avoid medicines as much as I can & strive to give her only healthy foods, organic when possible. With that being said, I'm not above using disposables when I feel like it, we don't bed share, and she's been fully vaccinated without question or hesitation. I know that doesn't fit into what a lot of the "natural mammas" believe in, but for me it's about balance. Co-sleeping doesn't work for our family and I'll vaccinate my kid against potentially deadly diseases and feel okay with it because I know that I try to avoid potentially harmful additives/substances in other areas of her life. If this means I don't "fit" into a particular form of parenting, I'm cool with that. 

I'm a contradiction in myself half the time. I hardly ever take medicine & try holistic avenues as much as possible, however that epidural was totally amaze balls & I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  

I feel like you learn a lot about yourself and your beliefs once you become a parent. It's sometimes hard to look at yourself and realize things about yourself that you haven't before. I think I'm learning as I go and thats about the only way you can really do this whole parenting thing. It's important to remember that every mamma out there is doing the same thing, just in different ways; they are all doing the best that they can with an equal amount of love for their child. As much as I doubt myself on the daily, when I look at Layla and she's laughing & smiling I tell myself that I'm doing okay. I will never be the perfect parent but as long as she has love for me & knows my love for her, I'm doing my best.

"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a millions ways to be a good one."

Keep on keepin' on...

So, we had Layla's 6 month wellness check up a few days ago! I'm happy to report that our little peanut girl received a glowing report!

I was so nervous about this appointment because I knew the outcome would determine a lot for us. I spent all week 'on the fence', bouncing back and forth thinking of how our daily life would change if I had to stop breastfeeding. 

I was also nervous because as a mom who exclusively breastfeeds, it almost felt like this appointment was telling of what I was providing for my child, whether or not I was "adequate". I know that sounds really bizarre but I couldn't help but feel like I would take it personally if her doctor thought she needed 'more' than what I was giving.

Layla weighs just under 14 pounds and is 26.5 inches long. It's hard for me to see other babies, sometimes younger babies, outweigh and out chunk her. It's really tempting to compare her to others! However, her doctor assured me that she is perfectly fine. She's a small baby...always has been, will probably always be.

So,we are just going to 'keep on keepin' on'!

Layla loves (loooooves) to eat! I have decided to try again at making her own food. Round 2. I just feel like there is no reason that I can't do it (this is the stubborn side of me peeping through). I'm fortunate enough to stay home with her & she's getting better at entertaining herself long enough for me to do some work in the kitchen. I just can't justify spending money on something I can make for her for less knowing it's freshly made. Fingers crossed I have a better outcome this time..

I really like the idea of Baby Lead Weaning, however, Layla doesn't have a single tooth yet and it just makes me nervous giving her whole pieces of food. Not to mention the times we've tried it, she basically feeds the dogs rather than herself, covering herself in the food in the process. I'm hoping as she gets a little older (and gets some chompers) we can transition from purees to more of a BLW approach. 

I can't wait till we can share food together! 

Anyways, just wanted to pop in...until next time.

xo

6 months.

This past month has been nuts! Between the 'joys' of homeownership & traveling, I've had zero time to blog...so, here we are already a month later! Layla is 6 months old. I remember thinking when Layla was a newborn, six months seemed like it was so far in the distant future! 6 months is a big for us.

During my breastfeeding woes in the beginning, I remember thinking if 'I could just' make it to 6 months. At the time that sounded impossibly daunting, yet here we are. It's been such a worthwhile journey for us. I am so glad that I have stuck it out through all of the frustration & uncertainty. I think in the future I would like to find an avenue to help support other new mommies in their breastfeeding journeys. I wouldn't have made it through the first month without the unbelievable support I received! 

We just got back from a long visit to Atlanta. It was great seeing friends and family! However, I don't think we will be traveling anywhere anytime soon. Layla slept like crap the entire time we were there & there were nights that I was bawling & wanting to pull my hair out. We had spent so much time & effort getting Layla to sleep at night & things were finally falling into place before we left town. It felt like she was up all night, every night. Totally frustrating. But, we had a wedding we had RSVP'd for & had to stick it out until then. 

Now that we've been back in NC for a week, she is settling back into her regular sleeping patterns. Thank you Jesus!

This was me, sleep deprived...very very sleep deprived.

Layla & I were in Atlanta for close to 3 weeks and during that time I was buying the organic pouches for her out of convenience. I quickly realized those pouches (2/day @$1.50/ea) were adding up!  Once we got back to our NC home, I ventured into making her own food. 

I found some inspiration from this blog. I think I made bigger batches & did different combinations (some good, some not so great) and all in all I think I made about 25 8 oz. portions. I stored them in Ziploc baggies laying flat. As much as I would love to say it was so much fun & I'll do it over and over, I admit that about half way through the process those damn costly pouches were sounding pretty awesome. I think the blog said she spent a total of an hour making her food & for me it took about 3 hours by the time I chopped, steamed, pureed, rinsed the Vitamix between batches, portioned out the baggies, etc. 

Another thing I realized while out of town was how much I really love cloth diapering. I didn't take any of Layla's cloth diapers with us since our trips to Atlanta are always hectic and it didn't help that I left North Carolina like a bat out of hell (Our A/C unit's fan blade broke and it had to be ordered..after a few days of no air conditioning + one night in a hotel I decided to take off for Georgia ahead of schedule). I admit that before our trip, I wasn't totally in love with cloth diapering. I kept reading how awesome it was & I was trying really hard to love it...I mean, disposables are so easy! Before our trip, I would say I was cloth diapering 70% of the time. Now that we are home I'm using cloth 95% of the time. The cost of using disposables full time was nuts! I change Layla really frequently, like probably more than really necessary, so I was flying through diapers. Between the cost of her 2-pouch-a-day habit & buying diapers more than usual, our trip was getting expensive.

After seeing how costly disposables are, the little extra work involved in using cloth is totally worth it to me! I typically do a load of diaper laundry every other day & it's no more involved than doing a load of regular laundry. We use Sunbaby diapers and haven't had any issues. There is the occasional leak but I blame buying the Size 2 (for chunkier babies) before Layla was born when I thought I would have a chubalub baby. Now here I am with a long & lean little peanut who probably needs the Size 1 diapers. I'm sticking it out though & actually just ordered 6 more of the Size 2. I figure she will be wearing these diapers until she's potty trained so sticking with the larger size can't hurt. 

What Layla lacks for in weight she makes up for in personality! She blows me out of the water. Dylan and I laugh because we don't know where she gets her crazy high energy from! I still believe she burns so many calories that she can't keep any weight on. She is literally non-stop...if she's awake, she is on the move!  She is rolling both ways, loves to bounce in her exersaucer, and is so so close to sitting up without assistance. 

I'll be curious to see what her doctor says about her size. Whenever I start to wonder or stress out about her weight, I just remember to 'look at the baby, not the scale'. Layla is beaming with happiness every day and hitting all of her milestones right on time. I am trying to remain open minded to the fact that the doctor may suggest introducing formula. Honestly, there is a part of me that would be okay with slowly weaning. The same part of me that's ready to have my body back, to eat how I want & have a little more of my 'old' self back. On the flip side, the other part of me would feel sad. Nursing is all I've known & all Layla has really known. I feel anxious thinking of no longer having the ability to nurse. I know that our nursing days will end eventually so whenever it happens, I will learn to live with it and adjust. I just hope that it can be gradual & that we can ease into a new normal when the time comes.

I love waking up everyday to such a happy baby girl! She is such a bright light in our lives!

Happy 6 months LBG! 

xo

5 months.

So... Layla turned 5 months old yesterday! She celebrated by reaching stage 5 clinger status ALL. DAY. But, that's okay...she just loves her mamma! 

I can't believe she is already 5 months old. Okay, part of me totally believes it..there are days I feel it. I realize I really haven't had a decent night sleep in months. Sometimes I think back to when she was a newborn and I have a hard time remembering how on Earth I thought it was so stressful. I can tell it's been 5 months because I'm actually getting to the break in the clouds where I can entertain the idea of having another (in the very distant future). 

Layla is full of life. She is go-go-go all day every day! There are times I wish she would just lay with me. I'll think aren't you still an infant? Don't you just want to cuddle with your mommy? Then she will kick and fuss, pull my hair & complain when I try. There is a whole world around her that she is growing increasingly aware of and she's ready to figure it all out. Sometimes after she nurses she will sit with me a few minutes & I already find myself trying to soak those moments in. She's still a baby but I have a feeling the rest of this first year will fly by & our quiet moments together will grow to be maybe not less, but different. 

I guess everyone thinks their baby is smart or "gifted"..a special snowflake if you will. While I won't go full on snowflake status, Dylan and I feel like Layla is keenly aware of everything around her. She's quick to catch on to things & she's quickly realizing the power of her actions. I'm realizing we are approaching the age where she's learning actions=reactions. She's learning hey if I fuss enough, they will pick me up. I feel like we are walking that fine line of, well she's still a young baby and okay, are we raising a spoiled baby? I spoil my dogs so the chances of Layla coming out any less spoiled than her 4 legged siblings are slim. 

I feel like I'm learning what kind of parent I am day by day. I walk the line of attachment parenting and..non attachment for lack of a better term. We don't co-sleep (although sometimes I wish we did just for ease sake) but I do wear her around the house & when we are out and about. We did a very mild version of sleep training but only out of necessity for all of our sake. She still wakes several times during the night but I am not planning to night wean...yet. I struggle to find the balance of teaching her to become independent as she grows and also making sure she knows comfort and security from her dad and I. 

As for me, I can honestly say it's taken me to this point to really feel like I'm finding a balance. Being a mom is hard & it truly flips your life upside down having a baby. It's taken me a long time to feel comfortable in trusting myself. I didn't trust myself in the beginning to make the right choices. I second guessed everything & trusted internet advice over my own intuition. Breastfeeding was probably the biggest stressor in our early months and although it was an incredibly rocky road, I am so thrilled that I stuck it out. I have never {ever} worked for something so hard in my life. My nursing relationship almost ended at 3 months which I thought I was okay with and learned that I wasn't. Now here we are at 5 months & going strong. My original goal when things were tough was to make it to 6 months. I will assess where we are in a month from now, but if things are continuing smoothly I don't think I will be emotionally ready to wean. When I do decide to wean, I plan on making a post about our experience. It's not something I'm facing at the moment but even so, I already get emotional thinking of when the times comes. 

Being a mom has surprised me in so many ways. The lengths I'm willing to go for my daughter is how I assume every mommy feels about her child. I am physically exhausted at the end of every day, there are things from my pre-child life that I miss, I haven't slept through the night in months, but I wouldn't trade my job as Layla's mom for anything. There are days I wish I had taken more vacations, did more day drinking, and relished in my childless life a little more..but I can't imagine my life without her now. Some nights Dylan and I just look at each other, both exhausted from our very different job titles & go to bed with a half-hearted kiss goodnight. Sometimes I think we're both thinking the same things...but we know we are blessed with a healthy, happy, smart precious baby girl. 

Mamma loves you LBG.

xo-

Must Haves for the past 4 months.

Tula ergonomic baby carrier// My friend (Marine wife & mommy of 2) suggested I buy a Tula. I knew she loved hers, however I had purchased the Moby & K'tan wraps so I figured I was set. The wraps were great while around the house when Layla was itty bitty, however I quickly realized they weren't all that practical for getting out and about with her. Layla was reaching the point of no longer sleeping in her carseat during errands so we decided to invest in a Tula. Flash forward to today, and we don't leave home without it! Putting Layla in the Tula is the only way we can get through grocery trips as she almost always falls asleep for what we call a "Tula nap". Whenever Layla fights going to sleep in her crib or it's later in the day and she's just crabby, we usually can put her in the Tula and she either calms down or dozes off for a quick catnap (& sometimes naps longer than she would in her crib).


Once I entered the "Tula love" world, I realized how obsessed other Tula owners are & now so am I!



You can also use a Tula from newborn till toddler+ so they are well worth the investment. Plus, they are SUPER cute & makes nursing in public easy! I never knew how into baby wearing I would be until now! I love it!






California Baby Natural & Organic Skincare // We love the diaper rash cream (luckily we've only had one diaper rash in the past 4 months!) plus it's cloth diaper safe. For baths we love the calming wash & we follow with either the Calming lotion or the Calendula Everyday lotion! I love these products because they are natural, vegan, and great for sensitive skin. They are a little more costly (I tried to register for as much as I could!) and so far we have lasted on what we received as gifts, woo hoo!


Dr Browns Microwave Sterilizer// This is so easy and quick to use! Wash all bottles/pump parts & microwave for 5 minutes. Done and Done.


Babyganics Dish & Bottle Soap// We love this soap! Plant based cleaning agents that make me feel comfortable and confident washing all of her bottles & pump parts with it. I typically grab a big glass bowl, pump a few pumps of the soap, throw in all the bottle/pump parts and fill with hot water. Let all soak for a while + rinse + pop in the Dr. Browns sterilizer.

Boon Lawn Drying Rack// Boon makes the Grass & Lawn drying racks. My vote is for the lawn. I pump 1x/day and only use 1 bottle/day typically and the lawn still gets filled quickly.

Mommys Bliss Gripe Water// Miracle in a bottle, y'all. Layla is a super gassy baby & this stuff works wonders. I like it as a natural alternative to gas drops & it offers fast relief! We've always given half of the recommended dose to start with and typically that's all it takes. We will give for hiccups too and they stop almost immediately after just a few drops. Layla seems to love the taste, she basically sucks it straight out of the dropper.

The Honest Co. Diapers// Ever since Layla hit 4 months we've gone to cloth diapers during the day but we still put her in a disposable for overnight & in her diaper bag for while we are out. They are really, really absorbent and never have that weird diaper smell to them once they are wet. Plus, they are cute! (Even though no one really sees them, ha!)

Lamaze Buggy Foot Finders// Layla is obsessed with her feet right now. These buggy feet finders keep her occupied for a good 10-15 minutes, usually long enough for me to hop in the shower! I keep her swing right outside of the bathroom door, pop her in & put these feet finders on & I don't hear a peep from her. Love them!

Sassy Bounce Around// Layla has to be busy ALL. THE.TIME. It wears me out! She has started to get bored in her Mamaroo or having blanket time for too long. I need some hands free time so I figured she would love a bouncer/exersaucer. It keeps her upright & she is surrounded by toys which keeps her occupied long enough for me to make lunch/empty the dishwasher/clean pump parts, etc. I shopped around online for different bouncers & decided on the Sassy ' Inspire the Senses' Bounce Around because I really wanted something she could grow with & I loved that it was pretty gender neutral. We've only had it for 2 days but she seems to love it so far!

Zipadeezip// Once Layla hit 3.5/4 months we kind of knew it was time to transition from the Swaddlepods. She was becoming a master at getting her arm out at the bottom & I was frustrated. We also knew sleep training was in our near future & I wanted her to have access to her hands so that she could attempt to self-soothe before we started. The birth club on Babycenter had a ton of moms dealing with the same issue & so many moms were raving about the Zipadeezip! I was terrified of trying to put her to sleep without a swaddle so I decided to give the Zippy a try. She loves it! The website describes how/why the Zippy works for transitioning from swaddling. Layla was in the midst of the '4 month sleep regression' so she wasn't sleeping great in the swaddle & wasn't sleeping any worse in the Zippy so, at the time I considered that a success. Flash forward to now, we are still loving it! In the swaddlepods, she would scream the second that she woke from naps & in the morning. Now I will watch her on the monitor rolling around & sucking her hands, sometimes for a good 10 minutes before I hear her fuss. I feel like the zippy helped her to adjust to her crib even more than before. Now that we are sleep training, we zip her up in the Zippy, turn on white noise, pat her butt for a minute or 2 & (if we timed it right) she's out like a light. Sometimes she will fuss a few minutes but then she will roll around until she's asleep.  If you're looking for an option to ditch the swaddle without going cold turkey, I would recommend this for sure! Plus, shipping was super fast!

Side note: The Zippy must be really popular right now & the prints available are limited. I settled for 'yeehaw cowgirl' (ha!) but if you're patient they have some really cute prints!

Layla's birth story (...and it only took me 4 months!)

I've sat down to write Layla's birth story a dozen times, always getting wrapped up in details & then, of course, I run out of time! So lets try this again...

My due date with Layla was February 25th & just like clock work, action started happening on that date. TMI, but I had my 'bloody show' (grossest term ever) and started having mild contractions. I thought to myself, how crazy if this baby came right on schedule! That night I noticed bright red blood & having never had a baby before, panicked. We decided to head to L&D just to make sure all was okay. We sat in the L&D triage room for 4 hours while I was monitored. I arrived at 1cm, walked the halls for a while, and after 4 hours was still only at 1cm. So home we went..

40 weeks

Next night, round 2. My contractions increased in strength and consistency throughout the day. My mom drove up from Atlanta as we figured surely Layla would be coming soon enough. Repeat of the night before, threw all of our bags in the car & headed to triage. I arrived at 3 cm and spent the next 4 hours gritting my teeth through major contractions. I wanted to walk around so that I could try and progress a little more so that I could stay, I wasn't allowed. I was miserable. I couldn't imagine being sent home in the level of pain I was in. I wanted to punch the doctor in the face when he sent me home. I cried. I cried a lot. I was going on 2 days of contractions and I couldn't imagine continuing much longer without some relief. I knew I had an OB appointment already scheduled for the next day and I began plotting how I would beg & plead for a c-section. I never wanted a c-section but at that point, I just wanted to have this baby.

I got ZERO sleep that night. I contracted all night long & by the morning I was in tears, begging Dylan to see if my OB could see me ASAP that morning. I could barely walk & had reached the point of being unable to talk through my contractions. I just remember kneeling against the couch with my head buried in the cushions wondering how I would even sit in the waiting room at the OB office. Again, I was ready to get there and beg for a c-section...anything!

Luckily, my midwife could see me practically first thing. I miraculously made it through waiting in the waiting room & slowly waddled my way back to the room. She came in and offered to check me, said we could strip my membranes to help me progress. I knew this would only increase the intensity of my contractions which scared the hell out of me, but I was up for anything. I laid back, praying I had progressed at least a little bit from the 3cm the night before. Then, I'm pretty sure I heard the most amazing news of all time as she said, "girlfriend..you are in LABOR. You're 6cm and if I strip your membranes you're not going to make it to the hospital in time...". THANK YOU SWEET JESUS. Finally, I knew it was time. She told me she would call the hospital and they would be waiting for me. All I could think of was, oh epidural..I am coming for you!

We arrived in our L&D room around 10 am. What seemed like an eternity later, I was able to get my epidural at 7cm. Ladies...if you're wondering whether or not you should get an epidural, stop the insanity. Get the epidural. GET IT. You won't be sorry. The relief I felt after almost 3 days of nonstop contracting was amazing. Women aren't kidding when they say that they want to kiss the anesthesiologist.

My mom had made it to the room & once I was comfortable Dylan decided to go grab lunch for himself (while I scarfed down Jello...I hate Jello, but I was starving). Dylan had been gone about 30 minutes or so when I felt like the epidural was sort of fading on one side. I clicked the "give me more juice" button, shifted sides..still felt discomfort so I asked the nurse if this was normal. She kind of got a strange look on her face and said she should check me. She quickly said, "So when is your husband getting back?". I had quickly dilated to 10cm and it was baby time! Luckily, right as she checked me Dylan walked through the door. Looked like lunch would just have to wait..

My water broke when the nurse checked me & there was meconium in my water. No one seemed especially concerned and as neurotic as I am, I wasn't either. The "suction" team came in so that Layla could be suctioned out once she was born. This probably should have freaked me out but I think I was so overwhelmed with how quickly things were going, I didn't really have time.

Giving birth was such an amazing blur. I remember all of it, but I felt like it was over before it began. It was very calm & pain free. I would literally give birth 10x over, it was the contractions that were the worst. I think I pushed about 20-30 minutes, but it felt like 10 minutes. I couldn't feel my contractions so it was up to the nurse to tell me when to push. I literally felt nothing (thank you anesthesia miracle worker!).

Layla was born at 4:09pm at 7lbs 5oz. She came out screaming! There was no need to suction her at all, she was perfectly pink and alert. I remember opening my eyes from pushing and looking at this perfect baby that I had waited to meet for 10 months. I was so blessed!

They were able to lay her on my chest immediately and it was the most amazing moment of my life. I couldn't believe she was here! None of the pain from the previous days mattered.

My mom & Dylan were there watching as we watched Layla open her eyes for the first time. A few slow blinks & her eyes locked onto mine. Best moment of my life. She gripped her daddy's finger immediately & he was a goner. Our lives were forever changed in those first few moments.

I have never for a moment taken for granted how lucky and blessed we are to have such a healthy, alert baby at birth. I was officially a mommy, and this was confirmed when she pooped on me as she laid on my chest. Haha. Nothing says welcome to mommyhood like poop. And so it begins...

So there..I finally wrote it. Whew.

4 months.

Is my little girl seriously already 4 months old? I hate that I am slacking with updating my blog as much as I originally planned to. I honestly never realized that my entire day would be so consumed with our crazy, active baby girl.

Layla is doing amazingly well. She is so smart and funny, I can't imagine how much more her personality will grow as time goes on. She is a peanut. At her 4 month wellness appointment, she is in the 90th percentile for height and the 10th percentile for weight. In the past, I would be stressed over her slow weight gain but believe it or not, this neurotic mamma has learned to roll with it. She is happy, healthy, and meeting all of her milestones right on time. Her pediatrician showed no concern with her growth so therefore, I'm not either! She's not a big baby and probably won't be a big person in general.

I'm most excited that for the past few weeks we have had no use for formula! As happy as I am about that, I am even more thrilled with how less stressful nursing has become. I was making myself stressed, I was complicating the whole process, and when I learned to 'just let it go' everything fell into place.

As of yesterday, my awesome midwife Mandy gave me a prescription for Reglan. I've spent so much money and exhausted every herbal supplement/natural attempt at increasing my supply. Fenugreek made Layla extremely gassy & also can affect thyroid levels (I have hypothyroidism) so that was out. I spent $40 on a bottle of Goats Rue only for it to make Layla gassy as well (I think it may have helped slightly but not worth the gas!). A few days ago I purchased a huge bottle of Brewers Yeast capsules. I'm continuing with them as well as the Reglan. I was told with the Reglan I should see a small increase within 48 hours and should note my supply doubling by day 5. Fingers crossed!

Our biggest hurdle as of now is SLEEP TRAINING! Ugh, I wanted to avoid it. I'm a sucker and can't stand to hear Layla cry. However, the dreaded "four month sleep regression" hit us and it hit hard. Like, up every 2 hours each night hard. 30 minute naps hard. Exhausted mamma and exhausted baby hard. No bueno. I was going to try and ride it out, but once Layla was becoming obviously chronically tired I knew we had to bite the bullet. Crappy naps = crappy night sleep, and the vicious cycle continued. I felt my sanity slipping through my hands. So, we are in Day 4 of our training and so far, we've seen improvement each day. Her naps are extending to at least 45 minutes (the length of a sleep cycle), she is learning to fall asleep on her own, and she's back to only waking 2x/night. The pediatrician said she is capable of going all night without feedings, however I feel like it's okay for her to eat right now. Like I said, she's a peanut..she weighs 12 pounds & if she's hungry I want to feed her.

Even as I type this, Layla has been napping for an hour. This may not sound like much to you but if you've lived the short-nap-hell we've experienced for what seems like forever, this is epic.

On another note, I decided once she hit 4 months we would start with cloth diapers full time. We were spending so much money on disposables and I knew I needed to just pick a date and go for it. So far, so good. Her legs are finally chunky enough so that we don't have leaks. We put her in an Honest Co. disposable diaper at night because those suckers are super absorbent! We love Honest Co. products. They are pricey for diapers but if we are mostly using cloth, it's not too often we have to buy them.

And just like that, she's awake!

Until the next long nap...

xoxo

Back to the boobs we go..

Ok, so I've mentioned a million times how crazy I am right?

Well, being a mom has made me 10x crazier but it is because I'm so insane on giving Layla the best, I am happy to say she is back on the boob and life is good.

I know, I said I was giving up..and that was my plan. It really was. I had semi accepted my fate and planned on moving on.

I just couldn't. I physically and mentally couldn't. I thought that discontinuing breastfeeding would give me some sense of relief and in fact it was the total opposite. I felt sad..like really, really sad. So, I decided to give it another shot...

It started when Layla began showing interest in wanting to nurse. I let her "lead the way" and if she seemed to want to nurse, I allowed her to. From there it seemed she wanted to nurse more and more frequently. I cried happy tears every time she latched on, even if it was just for a minute. I realized how much I missed that connection & I honestly think she missed it as well.

For the past 2 weeks or so I've kept the formula on standby just in case we need it, and I've told myself that if she seems hungry not to feel bad about supplementing. I admit there are times I'm mind willing her to be satisfied after nursing but there has only been a handful of times she seems to need more. Small victories.

Every once in a while there will be a moment where nursing feels stressful & I re-enter that panicked feeling of wondering if I'm crazy for trying again. Just last week I had reached the point of researching formulas again, on the verge of throwing in the towel. That afternoon  I ended up meeting with a Breastfeeding Counselor.

I honestly think it was a meant-to-be, Jesus moment. I met with the most amazing counselor who had nothing but positive things to say about Layla and our nursing relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job & that I was a good mom...like, really needed it. I talked all about how I self doubt my abilities to feed Layla & it was so nice to just have someone hear me. I drive myself insane being home all day and wondering "is she hungry?".

Her entire life I've been made to feel like she's starving so I've been conditioned to read all of her fussiness and crying as hunger. For example, even while in her office Dylan was holding Layla as she was entering meltdown territory so my initial reaction was to whip out her bottle of breast milk. The counselor asked to hold Layla and after about 10 seconds she calmed down..like all the way down. She wasn't hungry, she just wanted a change of pace.

Since that visit I've tried to be patient with our breastfeeding relationship. There have been several times the clock (I'm a total Type A schedule freak..hint: babies aren't) says she should be hungry, and she screams and arches away from the boob. My first instinct is to panic and assume she hates nursing. I'll try 5 or 10 minutes later and she latches like a champ. She's hungry when she's hungry, not because my chart says she should be. I'm learning...slowly, but I'm learning. She cries when she's hungry, but also if she's bored..or overstimulated..or understimulated..or just because she's pissed off and feels like complaining. Babies are complicated and uncomplicated all at the same time!

I don't think our nursing relationship will ever be 100% issue free, but I doubt anyone's really is. The thousands of posts on breastfeeding message boards & websites proves that. I think it's something that needs to be talked about more amongst expecting mothers. I know that I felt very alone when I think in reality any mother could relate on same level to having issues.

So, we will see. Who knows..my next post may sing a completely different tune..but for now, I like where we are headed.

Breastfeeding: My reality.

I've wanted to share my breastfeeding experience for the past (almost) 3 months. Yes, three whole months. It's taken me three months to write about breastfeeding because of, ummm, breastfeeding.

During my pregnancy I couldn't wait to breastfeed. I planned on breastfeeding for as long as I could. I bought a big fancy pump, all of the creams and "must have" breastfeeding products. I took a breastfeeding class & proudly answered "breast" when my midwife/OB/nurse would ask if I planned on breast or formula feeding.

The day that Layla was born, she latched perfectly immediately after birth. It was a memory that I will forever cherish. I had read so many blogs or forums of women who had babies who couldn't latch correctly and I felt like, woo hoo, we are on our way on our breastfeeding journey!

Flash forward to today. As amazing as our breastfeeding journey began, today marks the day that our journey has come to a longtime coming/tragic/emotional end. I wanted to share my story because it has helped me cope with my guilt reading other momma's blogs who have had to give up breastfeeding for one reason or another.

So, here we go...

Our stay at the hospital was great...Layla nursed as well as any 1 & 2 day old baby can nurse. I had no clue what I was doing and my nipples hurt like hell but I was confident. The lactation consultant came for a visit, commented that I had "perfect" nipples for breastfeeding & that she had all the confidence in the world for us. Again, wooo hooo...

Layla was born at 7lbs 5oz and at our first pediatrician visit she was down to 6lbs 9oz. Okay, no big deal..babies lose weight in the beginning. They are bloated from fluids during delivery, etc etc.  Our pediatrican wasn't concerned..he said I could always supplement if I wanted to which at the time sounded to me like he suggested feeding my baby arsenic. I was so completely anti-formula (I still am...) & I just knew that things would turn around.

My milk took FOREVER to come in..like 6 days. If you want to know what 6 days of a hungry baby is like, just imagine the most chaotic stressful shit show you could ever imagine. Layla screamed day and night. I was a wreck. Layla was nursing constantly and my nipples were experiencing their own version of a fresh hell. I had blisters & I cried every time she wanted to nurse because it hurt like hell. I was taking Fenugreek and drinking Milk Maid Tea like a crazy woman. I just wanted my milk to come in so that we could get this magical breastfeeding show on the road..

Here's my little tidbit of advice about that. Going crazy of fenugreek and teas caused a SERIOUS oversupply/over active letdown issue for me. Over supply? Over active letdown? I knew nothing about either of these because NO ONE TELLS YOU! This is why I say no "class" could ever prepare me for what breastfeeding really entailed. Sure, you can show me all of the positions I could possibly ever (or never) use, but if my baby is screaming, refusing to nurse & starving, those positions don't do a damn thing. I wish hospitals would provide some type of trouble shooting class so that when issues do (and they will) arise, you don't have a meltdown in your already exhausted/stressed out stupor.

Breastfeeding isn't as "natural" as books make it out to be. There are a lot of variables that factor in to how successful (or not) it will be for you and I never thought to look into them. I spent many hours researching online in my exhausted (literally, I have no idea how I continued to funtion) state of mind which quickly turned into meltdown after meltdown. I received conflicting advice from pediatricians, lactation consultations, La Leche League leaders & I was just so ready to give up. I would scream at Dylan, "it's not supposed to be like this..something is wrong..at what point to I accept that this isn't working...fuck you..." the list goes on and on.

At one point I was pumping prior to nursing, nursing Layla, and pumping afterwards so that I could supplement with what I pumped. When your baby is wanting to eat every 30 min/hour, doing all of this left approximately ZERO time for me to sleep, eat,  or cry my eyes out. In addition to having zero time, all of the pumping was only causing me to produce MORE. I developed a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance so when Layla would nurse she was filling up on foremilk and never getting to the fattier hindmilk. She was hardly gaining weight.

Dylan was so supportive which looking back, I totally am glad that he was. However, at the time he just seemed like a ray of fucking sunshine when I just wanted someone to commiserate with me and say "yeah this totally sucks..". He didn't see it from a mom's perspective, he wasn't the mom who couldn't satisfy her baby.

One night I really couldn't stand it anymore and we gave a supplement bottle of formula from the zillion samples formula companies send you when you're pregnant. I bawled my eyes out as she drained the 2oz bottle. I felt like I was ruining her & I felt like a total failure for not being able to give my baby what "every mother" should be able to. Looking back, she was starving and I shouldn't have felt bad..but I didn't know any better at the time.

I was so desperate for this to work because I felt like a "good" mom wouldn't give up and give their baby anything but "the best". We had the lactation from the hospital come for a home visit and thank God for her. Thanks to her help I was able to get my supply under control and our nursing experience got a lot better. However, I can say that breastfeeding totally consumed my every waking moment...I was either breastfeeding or thinking about the next time I would be.

The past 2 months or so have been..is this a word, survivable? We were getting through the day and Layla seemed decently content while she was awake and was sleeping decently at night. I did however still feel like I couldn't leave her for any length of time. As much as I wanted her on a predictable feeding schedule I felt like she was always hungry. I went to my 8 week check in with my OB and they looked at me like I had 5 heads when I told them I hadn't left her in 8 weeks. Their reaction really made me start questioning my own sanity. I've had to cut out dairy from my diet along with feeling like about a million other things make her gassy. Breastfeeding was quickly becoming life consuming/sanity sucking but for me, if I could give her breast milk & avoid formula it was all worth it.

Long story short, it's been 3 months and I still haven't really ever been able to go out without Layla. The only time I've ever been anywhere with her alone is if we go to the pediatrician which is literally 2 minutes from our house.

A few days ago we decided to take her for a weight check (a common occurrence in our life) and I was shocked to find out she had only gained 6oz in 2 weeks. Knife to the heart. I knew she had started to nurse for shorter periods of time but I figured she was getting older and (wishful thinking) had become more efficient at nursing. The nurse suggested I start supplementing with 2oz of formula after every time I nursed her.

Blah blah blah, the moral of that story is that Layla has become super impatient when it comes to nursing. My guess is that she was staying latched when the milk initially "let down" and then when it took a little more effort she didn't feel like working for it. So, when I thought she was "full" she was really just lazy (and still hungry). She would suck down the 2oz supplement and still act hungry. I started panicking that maybe she was hardly eating anything when nursing & so began the slippery slope of giving more bottles than breast. My worst fear was quickly realized.

Oh, but I couldn't give up. Fuck sanity, I was GOING to give my baby breast milk! I started with a new plan of exclusively pumping. I figured I had the milk, she just wasn't getting it. Simple solution, wham bam thank you ma'am.

Hahahahaha...

Ok, so I "exclusively" pumped for a total of one whole day (aka yesterday). I quickly realized that there was no way in hell I could pump enough to give her what she needed. I am so jealous of these women who have a ginormous stash of breast milk in their fridge/freezer. (I seriously read one message board where a woman said she had 23 gallons of expressed milk...GALLONS! Excuse my french, but what the holy fuck..).

So, today I bit the bullet and used what I had pumped and then had no choice but to resort to formula. Layla has almost no interest in nursing anymore which breaks my heart but it is what it is. I think she quickly learned that bottles are easier and faster so she said to hell with trying to nurse.

I've been crying and bursting into tears all day but I know this is the way things have to be for us. Once we started supplementing she gained 11oz in 3 days & now that I am able to monitor how many ounces she takes, I am shocked at how much this girl can eat! I now realize that she must have been so hungry and there is absolutely no way I could pump enough to meet her demand.

It has truly taken 3 long, exhausting months for me to be even remotely okay with this decision. No matter what anyone says, I feel like I have failed in some way. I am crushed when I think back to the day she was born and latched perfectly. I am having to mourn the loss of the "dream" I had of breastfeeding her for much longer than this. I'm having to sort through the guilt I have when I think of how "inferior" formula is to breast milk.

However, Layla needs to eat. She needs to gain weight. She needs to thrive.

She also needs a happy mommy & I can admit that I've had too many "unhappy" moments. I've been so consumed and stressed with breastfeeding that I've projected that frustration onto her (not in an abusive way, okay...I can't word that any better) and also onto Dylan. He deserves a happy, sane wife just as much as Layla deserves a happy, patient mommy.

My plan as of now is to provide as much breast milk as I can. I'm planning on developing a sane, relaxed & manageable  pumping schedule so that I can collect and hopefully provide at least 1 bottle of breast milk a day. Any breast milk is better than none.

All in all, I have to do what is right for my baby and as much as I hear "breast is best", if she isn't gaining weight then is it really "best"? Of course my heart hurts a little bit when I watch her down a full bottle of formula but my heart also swells when I see a happy, content baby girl smiling at me versus a screaming, frustrated one. Dylan's cousin said something to me that really stuck. She said, "I AM PROUD OF YOU. You are a good mom, actually a GREAT mom for doing what is best for you and your family."

It is what it is and I'm still taking the day to "grieve" but I just wanted to share this for my sake in getting it out & also in case anyone else ever has a similar experience. It has helped me immensely to know I am no where close to being "alone" in my trial.

I thank God for my daughter every second of every day. I am blessed with a sweet baby girl and I want nothing more than for her to thrive. I do everything in my power to ensure that she is happy and healthy and it's a tough pill to swallow, but maybe breastfeeding isn't a part of that equation.

Whew...I think I'll go have a glass of wine..because I can do that now. (woo hooooooo)